The phrase ”boys will be boys” is often used to justify certain behaviours in men, such as infidelity. While cheating is not exclusive to men, it is often perceived as something they are more likely to do. But what are the reasons behind this behaviour? Is it just a random act?
According to psycho-sexologist and relationship therapist Kate Moyle, the reasons for infidelity are diverse and often unique to the individual or couple involved. However, there may be underlying factors that influence the decision to cheat or motivate the person to stray.
Complacency in a Relationship
Even in seemingly perfect relationships, infidelity can occur. Take the example of Jay-Z, who, according to his and Beyoncé’s albums, cheated despite having a lot to lose. Moyle suggests that no man is immune to the temptation of seeking fulfilment elsewhere, regardless of how comfortable their current situation may be. Our culture promotes the idea of always wanting more, leading us to constantly compare ourselves to others, which can create expectations and disappointment.
Desire to End a Relationship
Infidelity can sometimes stem from a fear of commitment or a relationship moving too quickly. Instead of addressing the issue directly, some men may act out, hoping to be caught. This is a destructive reason for cheating. It may be easier to deal with the guilt of infidelity than to explain why a relationship isn’t working, but it’s better to avoid leaving emotional wreckage behind.
Societal Expectations
Men often feel pressured to live up to societal expectations when it comes to sex. The idea that men should have multiple sexual partners is seen as a badge of honour among some, leading to the misconception that men can’t control their sexual urges. However, the consequences of infidelity often only become clear when they are caught.
Increased Opportunities
The internet has made it easier than ever to connect with new people, leading to different forms of infidelity, such as sexting or emotional affairs without physical contact. This accessibility can feed insecurities and provide insights into other people’s lives.
Need for Validation
Being found attractive by someone new can boost one’s confidence, especially if they’ve been feeling low. Even if they’re not unhappy in their current relationship, attention from someone new could lead to infidelity. It’s a reminder that they’re still desirable.
Feeling Neglected at Home
Moyle suggests that many couples struggle to prioritise their relationships amidst their busy lives. If we feel neglected, we may be more prone to seeking connections elsewhere. However, it’s important to remember that we are biologically wired to connect with others.
Considerations Before Cheating
If you’re contemplating infidelity, consider your motives and the potential outcomes. Even if your partner doesn’t find out, think about the feelings of the person you’re involving. Moyle advises weighing the short-term benefits against the risks.
In the midst of the global pandemic, I found myself falling in love. My new partner, a charming, artistic, and delightfully eccentric individual, was unfortunately located in London while I was confined to Paris due to the lockdown. Despite the distance, I found a silver lining - I may not be able to dress up for a night out, but I could certainly dress up for bed.
This situation provided the perfect opportunity to explore a lingerie boutique I had noticed during the spring lockdown. I had been longing to purchase something from there, but couldn’t find a reason to justify it. During the lockdown, I had been restricted to a one-kilometre radius for daily exercise, which led me to discover Paloma Casile.
Located on Rue du Jour near Les Halles, the boutique is a small, modern, and minimalistic shop that caught my eye. The designs hinted at the risqué and decadent nature of Pigalles. The lingerie was not only stunning and expertly crafted – a common trait in France – but also had a unique rock’n’roll edge to them, which is certainly not typical. The collection, mostly in black, featured plenty of lace, metal accents, and straps that added a touch of S&M, all while maintaining an air of sophistication.
One particular piece that caught my attention was a black lace bodysuit with a deep V-neckline, adorned with a small, decorative silver pull at the navel. It reminded me of something Wonder Woman might wear under her civilian attire. A black tape harness worn over the bodysuit added to the bondage aesthetic. I was also drawn to a frilly garter belt made of luxurious Calais lace, paired with a thong and matching bra. The ensemble was both playful and alluring, a combination only the French could master.
The collection also included flirtatious lace knickers with patches of tulle, paired with the same tape and metal rings as the harness. These pieces highlighted small areas of skin and added an element of erotic chic. The collection, though small, was unique and artisanal, reasonably priced for its quality. I was thrilled to have discovered this boutique and was eager to visit in person, touch the fabrics, try on the pieces, and make a purchase. With the shop now open, nothing could stop me from embarking on this exciting adventure.
The term “friend zone” often strikes fear into the hearts of many men in the dating scene. It’s seen as a demotion from potential romantic partner to mere acquaintance, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and emasculation. This perspective, however, is fundamentally flawed and overlooks the value of friendship.
Friendships are often undervalued, despite their potential to outlast fleeting romances and turbulent marriages. The fixation on finding “the one” and maintaining a romantic relationship has led to the misconception that relationships lacking in romance and intimacy are inferior. This mindset stems from an inability to handle rejection and use it as a catalyst for self-improvement. This is evident in the behaviour of some men on dating apps, who quickly resort to insults when their advances are rejected, blaming the other party for their own shortcomings.
Recently, tech moguls Melinda and Bill Gates announced their divorce after nearly three decades of marriage, stating they would remain friends and continue to work together. The public reaction to this news was one of shock and disappointment, with many questioning the viability of their own relationships. However, it’s important to remember that relationships are not a failure simply because they don’t last until death. Recognising when it’s time to part ways and move on is a significant accomplishment in itself.
Ranking sexual relationships above friendships is a disservice to the importance of platonic connections. While romantic relationships and their associated ups and downs fuel a multi-million pound industry, friendships are often overlooked. The pain of a friendship ending can be just as intense as a romantic breakup, yet such conflicts are often dismissed as trivial. While we’re told that marriages require work, the same principle is rarely applied to friendships, even though they can be equally challenging to maintain. Perhaps the reason romantic relationships are so highly valued is due to the tangible commitments involved, such as shared possessions and extended families. However, the fallout from a friendship can have far-reaching effects, potentially disrupting entire social circles.
Five Expert Strategies for Couples Who Value Sex Differently
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Popular culture often portrays a relationship-lacking-physical-intimacy/” title=”Steps to Rectify a Relationship Lacking Physical Intimacy”>happy relationship as one with regular sex-and-dating-slang/” title=”Straight-Curious: Explanation of Gay Sex and Dating Slang”>sexual activity. Conversely, a relationship without sex is often depicted as unhappy, leading to infidelity or breakups.
However, this is not always the case. The importance of sex in a relationship varies greatly. To gain a better understanding of this, AskMen consulted several sex and relationship experts. Here’s what they had to say:
The Role of Sex in a Relationship
According to Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy, the significance of sex in a relationship varies greatly. Some people are asexual and value romance and companionship more than sex. Others are highly sexual and consider frequent sex a significant part of their wellbeing.
Carol Queen, Ph.D., in-house sexologist at Good Vibes, notes that sex is important when at least one partner feels it’s important. The importance of sex can also change or be fluid over time.
Shan Boodram, K-Y’s sex and relationship expert, adds that the value of sex is subjective. It’s not necessary for feeling loved or desired as there are many other ways to express love and desire.
Dealing with Differing Sexual Priorities in a Relationship
When partners place different levels of importance on sex, it can become a significant issue in their relationship. So, how can this be resolved?
1. Understand the Root Cause Together
Understanding the problem is the first step towards addressing it. Both partners should be open with each other about their sexual needs and desires.
2. Consider Sex or Couples Therapy
If a couple struggles to communicate their sexual needs and desires, professional help can be beneficial. Therapy can help address both the sexual and relationship issues.
3. Make Adjustments to Your Sex Life
Changes in the bedroom can often help resolve sexual disparities. This could involve changing the way sex is initiated, introducing new elements, or focusing on the quality of sex over quantity.
4. Explore Non-Monogamy
Engaging in some level of non-monogamy can be a solution for some couples. However, this approach is not suitable for everyone and should only be considered if both partners are comfortable with it.
5. Conduct Further Research
Learning and exploring together can help overcome sexual incompatibility. This could involve reading books, attending workshops, or consulting online resources.
Our resident Dating Guru is an enigmatic character whose identity and location remain a mystery. However, his expertise in the dating world is unquestionable. He has been on countless dates and is here to help the average man elevate his dating game.
The Dilemma
Hello Dating Guru,
A beautiful woman I know (let’s call her Nadine) recently started dating a big guy. Not just a dad bod, but a genuinely big man. I’ve been attracted to her for months, but she rejected me and chose this big guy instead. I can’t understand why. I may not be a model, but I take care of my appearance. What does he have that I don’t?
– Average, But Not Big
The Solution
Hello Average,
Firstly, it’s important to remember that women’s tastes are as varied and unique as men’s. Some women are attracted to big men, just as some men are attracted to different types of women. However, I assume you’re asking why this big man has managed to attract a stunning woman with seemingly conventional tastes.
You might think that because you’re more physically fit, you’re more attractive and better in bed. But that might not be the case. The most attractive trait in a man is confidence. Everything else is secondary.
Let me tell you about two men I know — let’s call them Jerry and Terry. Jerry is conventionally attractive, successful, and well-dressed. Despite this, he struggles to find a girlfriend because he lacks self-esteem. His interactions with women are awkward and desperate, and he’s unable to let go and show real passion.
On the other hand, Terry is a big man. But he’s also a successful entrepreneur with a colorful life. He learned to value himself and his skills, even when he wasn’t considered conventionally attractive. As a result, he’s confident, interesting, and popular with women.
The lesson here isn’t to gain weight or start a business. It’s that being physically attractive isn’t enough — you need to be an interesting and confident person. Good looks are common, but real confidence is rare.
If you’re envious of this big man, try to emulate his confidence and passion. Don’t rely on women for your self-esteem, as neediness is far less attractive than a few extra pounds. Trust me.
The concept of love — genuine love, romantic love, passionate love — is often associated with two individuals who are everything to each other, excluding the possibility of a third party. However, when an individual professes to be “in love” with two different people they aren’t dating, it’s often dismissed as two separate crushes of similar intensity. For many, the idea of being in love implies it can only be felt for one person at a time.
But is this accurate? Can one be in love with two people at once, feeling intensely, madly, passionately about more than one person? To delve into this, we consulted several dating and relationship experts to share their insights on the possibility of loving two people simultaneously.
Understanding the Meaning of Being in Love
Before exploring the possibility of being in love with two people simultaneously, it’s crucial to define what “being in love” means. Love is a vast concept with a long history, and it’s hard to imagine a culture without a term for it, or a person who’s never expressed love for something, regardless of how fleeting or small or strange the feeling. In this context, it’s not only possible, but easy to simply love many people at once.
“It is certainly possible to love several people at once,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today. “Consider family members, children, dear friends; you hold all of them in your heart at once.”
At the same time, it’s also possible — and, again, easy — to be attracted to multiple people at once.
“Love is different from chemistry,” says Laurel House, a dating and relationship coach and host of the Man Whisperer podcast. “Chemistry is a short-term chemical reaction inside your body that creates an intensely felt drug that makes you lose sight of clarity of thought, and can trick you into thinking you’re in deep love, when really you’re in superficial lust.”
However, that doesn’t mean those feelings won’t feel just as intense as love in the early stages.
“Feelings of ‘falling in love’ can exist even if you don’t really know the person,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast. “So you may have passionate feelings that are associated with your perception of this person — as opposed to the reality. Just because you feel excited about seeing someone or intensely attracted to them doesn’t mean you’d be fulfilled having a relationship with them.”
Ultimately, only time will reveal if what you’re experiencing is genuine love.
Can You Be in Love With Two People Simultaneously?
Considering the difference between “being in love” or “having a crush on,” being in love with two people at the same time is not the most common occurrence. It requires a depth of feeling and investment in romantic relationships that can be challenging for most people to maintain for more than one person at a time.
“You can absolutely fall in love with two people at the same time,” he says. “Walt Whitman was right — you contain multitudes. Someone might bring out your confident, sexy side and you’ll love them for it. A second person might make you feel safe, loved and deeply connected, and you’ll also fall for that person. Suddenly, your brain is cranking out dopamine for both of them because they make you feel special and loved in different ways.”
However, the accidental-seeming aspect of the phrase “fall in love” when it comes to the two-person scenario is still something to question.
“You can be in love with one person because of who you see and honor in them, and simultaneously be in love with someone else for their very different yet equally resonant being,” notes House. “That being said, love is a choice. You don’t ‘fall’ in love. Instead, you choose to open your heart and see the beauty, feel the vulnerability, allow your guard to drop and your heart to open, and give yourself permission to feel and be in a state of love.”
As O’Reilly points out, there are also logistical considerations to consider.
“The fact that we can love multiple people simultaneously doesn’t mean that everyone ought to have multiple simultaneous relationships that are romantic or sexual in nature,” she says. “It’s really up to you to decide what feels good and what you have the capacity for. You may not have the time, energy or resources to manage two romantic relationships at the same time; or you might have the time, energy and resources to manage many romantic relationships at the same time.”
“On the flip side,” O’Reilly adds, “you may not feel fulfilled by monogamy. You may feel held back by having to limit your love for other potential partners. You may discover this by accident when you begin to feel love or attachment to multiple people at the same time.”
Can You Be in Love With Someone While Already in a Relationship?
Being in a relationship with someone else doesn’t exempt you from feeling something for another person, whether planned or not.
Of course, it’s possible to develop intense feelings for two people simultaneously without ever actually dating or being in a couple with either, but it’s a bit more complex when you start out in a relationship where you love your partner, only to suddenly feel love-like feelings for someone else.
“You can be passionately in love with someone while you’re in a relationship with another,” says Barrett. “A relationship is a logical choice. Falling in love is involuntary. It’s an arrow to the heart — you can’t help it. This often happens when your relationship has become more of a friendship, so you fall in love with someone who re-ignites the dormant passion within you.”
That’s often how infidelity happens, too. “Oftentimes, a long-term relationship can become more like a sibling relationship, and the sexual connection fades if the couple don’t know how to keep it alive,” says Tessina. “That opens the door for falling in love (or at least, lust) with someone else.”
For some people, seeking out a sexual outlet is where the cheating begins and ends. For others, it leads to developing real feelings for another, whether or not the affair is physically consummated.
“You might be in an emotionally cold or distant relationship, within which you have chosen to close your heart, or never felt comfortable fully opening it in the first place,” says House. “And then you meet someone who makes you feel safe, seen and sexy, and with them you become vulnerable, real, emotionally connected and in love.”
What Does Being in Love With Two People Reveal About You?
Feeling like you’re in love with two different people at the same time can be nerve-wracking.
For starters, our society tends to instill in people that it’s not even possible, let alone a desirable state to be in. Add in the fact that it often takes the form of some form of cheating, along with the possibility that if either person knew about the other, the whole thing would come crashing down, and you’re likely left with a pretty stressed-out person.
“If you’re in love with two people at once, forgive yourself,” says Barrett. “It simply means you’re human — that two people are both meeting desires you have for connection, love and companionship. Yes, it’s complicated, but there’s no cause for shame.”
Instead of seeing your feelings as a manifestation of something bad within yourself, it might be more useful to see them as a sign that something in your current relationship isn’t satisfying you. Then, you can interrogate the relationship on that basis, rather than making it about the other person specifically.
For instance, if you feel like you’re in love with two people, it might be a sign that “you don’t do intimacy well,” according to Tessina, and that “you don’t know how to negotiate the deeper parts of a relationship, so instead you get distracted by someone else. It’s really a way to avoid intimacy and bonding.”
Basically, if you have enough free time and emotional openness that you start falling for someone else, it implies that you’re not fully invested in the person you’re currently with.
Rather than being in love with two different people, really, you’re likely not actually in love with either. You might feel love for your original partner and you might be in lust with the new person, but neither of those meets the criteria for being in love.
What Should You Do If You’re in Love With Two Different People?
Given the way monogamy is increasingly giving way to more flexible alternatives, it’s possible that you could transition from being in a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one.
However, even if your partner has generally favorable views of polyamory, kicking things off by announcing that you’ve already fallen for someone else may garner you a less-than pleasant response.
Still, “what you don’t want to do is spin a web of lies, keeping both relationships a secret,” says Barrett. “This leads to stress, heartbreak and anger. If you want to consider polyamory, have an honest, transparent — and separate — conversation with both parties to see if they’re open to it.”
Love is a powerful feeling, and most people understand that enough to use it to describe situations where they genuinely do feel powerful emotions.
However, if you feel like you’re in love with two people at the same time — particularly if you’re in a relationship with one of them and developing feelings for the other — you owe it to yourself and the two people you’re thinking of to explore what it is that’s really going on with you, emotionally.
“For monogamous folks, it can be very confusing, overwhelming and distressing” to be in love with two people, says O’Reilly. “Especially since dominant sociocultural scripts suggest that we ought to find ‘the one.’”
If you do explore a polyamorous arrangement, however, “being in love with two (or more) people at once can be highly fulfilling,” she says. “This doesn’t, of course, mean that it’s always easy. You may not have the time or resources to dedicate to two simultaneous relationships — regardless of whether or not you identify as polyamorous.”
Ultimately, how you proceed depends on how attached you are to the concept of monogamy. O’Reilly suggests asking yourself why you’re monogamous to begin with, by posing yourself questions like:
“What draws you to monogamy?
What are the perceived benefits?
What are the potential costs?
How do you define monogamy?
Have you considered other options?”
“Perhaps you’ve fallen into monogamy because of social prescriptions — and not because it’s the right fit for you,” she says. “I’m not suggesting that you need to abandon monogamy if you value the relationship structure, but it’s worth considering why you’re monogamous in the first place.”
“I also think you need to give yourself grace,” O’Reilly adds. “You’re not a bad person for feeling or showing love to multiple people.”
Sharing explicit images, colloquially known as “dick pics,” is a practice that can either be eagerly anticipated or deeply dreaded. It’s a step that often precedes a physical meeting and is based on a foundation of trust. However, there are numerous factors that can turn this experience sour: the recipient may not appreciate it, they may not respond, they may share it without your consent, use it to impersonate you, or it may not be reciprocated.
Despite these potential pitfalls, the practice of sharing intimate photos is surprisingly common. According to a YouGov study, 40% of millennial women have received an unsolicited explicit image. This could be from someone they were conversing with online or a random individual via Airdrop or social media.
This modern phenomenon has been dubbed “cyberflashing.” While the concept of ‘flashing’ may seem outdated, the emotional impact on victims is just as significant. With cyberflashing becoming a criminal offence in 2022, and Instagram’s ongoing struggle to protect its users from unsolicited explicit images, the issue of sharing nudes is a complex and serious one.
Before deciding to send explicit photos, it’s crucial to consider your intentions. A quick mental checklist can help guide your decision.
Has the recipient explicitly requested a nude photo?
Assumptions and spontaneity are not substitutes for clear consent. If someone is defending the idea of surprising someone with an explicit image, question their motives.
Will the recipient react positively?
If they have requested a nude, start with a tasteful image. Gradually escalating the explicitness of the images not only builds anticipation but also provides additional opportunities to confirm consent and your own comfort with the situation.
How will this reflect on me?
While you may believe an unsolicited image portrays you as bold or assertive, consider the alternative: it could make you appear desperate, disrespectful, or untrustworthy. The YouGov study found that women who received explicit images, even when requested, were more likely to describe them as gross or stupid rather than sexy or funny.
Am I sharing this image with the right intentions?
Is the image a genuine part of flirtation, or is it intended to shock, upset, or pressure the recipient? An unsolicited explicit image is unlikely to win someone over. Consider why you’re pursuing something that isn’t reciprocated and whether you’re seeking forced validation.
What is my goal?
Once you’ve confirmed that you’re not sending an explicit image for the wrong reasons, consider what you both hope to gain from the exchange. As Silva Neves, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, explains, “Sending an explicit image can be a fun and playful thing to do. It can charge up the space between the sender and receiver with erotic vibes.”
