Many of my clients often inquire, “How can I revive our sexual relationship after an affair? I’ve tried to forgive, but it’s challenging to forget the betrayal and rebuild our intimacy.”
Interestingly, it’s not uncommon for couples to experience a surge in sexual activity immediately after an affair. As one of my clients, Felicity, shared, “Our sex life was the best it had been in years. It felt like I was trying to erase the memory of his affair by creating a powerful sexual connection between us.” However, this heightened sexual energy is often short-lived. Felicity found herself haunted by thoughts of the infidelity, with unwanted images of her partner with another woman disrupting their intimacy.
Felicity expressed her frustration during our therapy sessions, “I don’t want these images. I’ve chosen to stay with Sam, but these images are a hindrance. I despise them.” To help her, I introduced techniques to alter these images and lessen their impact. She learned to desaturate the images in her mind, turning them from vibrant colours to shades of black, grey, and white. She then distanced the image until it was a mere speck in her mind’s eye.
Felicity was astounded by the results. “When I do this, I feel entirely different! I’m no longer upset.” She chuckled, “And I feel ready to reconnect with Sam! It’s amazing.” She continued, “Sometimes the image returns, full colour and close. But each time, I push it away until it’s just a speck on the horizon. This technique works! Then I feel better and can enjoy being intimate with Sam again.”
Another client, Andrew, had a different journey. He believed he had forgiven his partner, Sheila, but struggled to forget. Despite wanting to resume their sexual relationship, he found himself continually avoiding it. During our therapy sessions, we discovered that his tendency to suppress his anger was causing issues. We worked on safe ways for Andrew to acknowledge and express his anger. As he began to voice his feelings about the affair, his anger subsided, and he felt ready to be affectionate again.
I advised them to take things slow. “Start by taking a bath together, then progress to massaging each other,” I suggested. “When you both feel ready, you can move on to sensual touch. Only then, when you’re both comfortable, should you resume your sexual relationship.” A few weeks later, they reported, “We’ve been making love again, and everything is fine.” Three months later, they were able to discuss the affair and appreciate the self-growth they had experienced.
Are Women Really Attracted to ‘Bad Boys’? (And What Can Nice Guys Learn From This?)
The notion that nice guys finish last and that women are drawn to bad boys is a common stereotype in our society.
There seem to be countless examples of men who lack financial stability or a steady job, yet possess a natural rebellious allure that women find irresistible. Conversely, there appears to be an abundance of nice guys who struggle to secure a date.
But is this anecdotal evidence indicative of a broader truth? Or is it merely a manifestation of widespread confirmation bias?
RELATED: 5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive
Interestingly, many argue that the so-called “nice guys” aren’t genuinely nice, and that the so-called “bad boys” aren’t necessarily bad. So, what does this imply?
To unravel this mystery, AskMen consulted several dating experts and individuals who date men to shed light on the bad boy/nice guy debate. Here’s what they revealed:
Do Women Truly Favor Bad Boys?
It’s important to remember that women, like any gender, are not a homogeneous group. Therefore, even if some women are attracted to the ‘bad boy’ archetype, it’s incorrect to assume that all women share this preference, especially when considering lesbians and asexual women.
So, a more accurate question might be: Do a significant number of women find bad boys more appealing than nice guys? The answer to this is not straightforward.
“Most women I interact with are seeking someone who is kind and respectful,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject. “The most common complaint I hear these days is probably that men aren’t behaving like gentlemen!”
“The idea of ‘women liking bad boys’ often originates from men with ‘nice guy’ syndrome, who get rejected by women and don’t want to confront the real reasons for their rejection, so they claim it’s simply because they’re too nice and women prefer men who are less ‘nice,’” she suggests.
However, Weiss admits that there is some truth to the notion that bad boys possess a certain attractive quality.
“There may be elements of the societal construction of masculinity that favor ‘bad boys,’” she says. “Society dictates that men should be bold, brave, and strong and not care about what others think. Someone who takes risks and breaks the rules may fit this ideal, and to some extent, this may be what people (of all genders) are conditioned to perceive as ‘cool.’”
“There’s also an element of dominance associated with the bad boy archetype, which is also part of the societal ideal of masculinity,” Weiss notes. Conversely, she says, “Some women may be attracted to bad boys because they tend to follow the rules and play it safe, so they are drawn to someone who is their opposite.”
“All of the guys I date are ‘bad boys’ with nice boy qualities. My heart and mind scream, ‘I can change him!’” – Chelle, 33
“I believe there are two different interpretations of the term ‘bad boy’,” says psychotherapist Rachel Goldberg, LMFT. “The first is someone who is confident and assertive, knows what they want, and can communicate that clearly. They have healthy boundaries and a strong sense of self. They may be labeled as a ‘bad boy’ in certain contexts because they don’t tolerate certain things or may seem detached in certain situations.”
RELATED: Here’s How to Communicate Your Needs While Dating
“However, I think what is often meant by ‘bad boy’ is someone who isn’t able to commit, or who is risk-taking,” Goldberg adds. “When a woman is attracted to someone like that, it is often a result of her not truly knowing what she wants, or being attracted to something others are drawn to, and not truly being secure with herself. This type of person who is still working on her own true needs and desires and may go for someone she deems a ‘bad boy,’ which mostly means someone who is not truly available to her.”
“I think I’ve been attracted to the ‘bad boy’ because a) going for unavailable people who have a higher chance of treating me poorly helps to reinforce negative thoughts I have of myself and b) it’s a sort of enabling that I know I can be my worst self because they’re not great either. All in all, not good for the mental. I would be so down for boring at this point in my life.” – Billie, 31
“Most women who’ve reached a place where they know who they are and own their value want a partner, which is a good guy who’s responsible and supportive,” says Jeanne Sullivan Billeci, dating expert at The Soul Mate Coach.
“However, the caveat is the good guy must be confident, comfortable in his skin and not a pushover, for a woman to feel like he is interesting, sexy and safe,” she notes. “She doesn’t want a low-self-esteem guy where she has to take on the role of a mother or boss to shape him into a partner. She wants someone who’s supportive, but who can grow with her.”
The Advantages & Disadvantages of Bad Boys vs. Nice Guys
If you identify more as a nice guy, you might perceive the bad guys as having it all. But the reality is that there are many drawbacks to embodying those traits.
“If you truly are a person who fluctuates with knowing what you want and need emotionally in a relationship, and aren’t able to communicate or commit, you’re unlikely to maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship,” says Godlberg. “Consequently, conflict will likely persist in any relationships you pursue.”
“Fundamentally, the ‘bad boy’ doesn’t attract healthy, close relationships,” says Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT and author. “They attract relationships that ultimately end up being toxic for one or both people. If you want a long-lasting relationship, being a kind, respectful, authentic man is essential.”
“Whether I consciously followed this or not, it wasn’t until I got myself through therapy and a lot of pain that I stopped dating the ‘bad boy’. Men who are ‘bad’ in all their iterations (not caring/trying, struggle with all the usual tropes bad boys supposedly do) now turn me off, thank god.” – Syd, 30
Bad-boy behavior also complicates dating for everyone, including both men and women — because women who’ve had a history of getting their hearts broken by these so-called bad boys become more cynical and defensive over time, says Sullivan Billeci.
“They often opt out of dating or have become so defensive they can’t even see that nice guys who want to be a partner exist,” she explains. “They don’t feel comfortable letting their guard down with a nice guy because they’re afraid it’s an act. It just creates a toxic dating culture that takes me a while as a coach to unravel for my clients so they can build genuine connections and romantic partnerships.”
RELATED: The Benefits of Being in a Serious Relationship
“Above anything else, women want to be treated with respect,” says Weiss. “If you act like you don’t care about a woman, that is going to backfire.”
Is the Bad Boy Becoming Obsolete?
Another factor to consider is the way the perception of the ‘bad boy’ has evolved over time.
While a certain percentage of women may find them attractive on some level, today, it’s arguable that the idea of actually dating or trying to have a relationship with one may be becoming less popular.
“I think there may have been a shift towards appreciating a man who is more able to reflect on his emotions and be forthcoming with what he wants,” says Goldberg. “I think part of this is due to the plethora of options that online dating has created, where people feel more comfortable stating what they are truly searching for (hook-up, open relationship, polyamory, commitment, etc).”
“Additionally,” she says, “with mental health being much more openly discussed, the idea of a more emotionally cut-off, commitment-phobe ‘bad boy’ isn’t as alluring.”
Another aspect, Sullivan Billeci notes, is the way gender is framed today.
RELATED: Toxic Things That Society Encourages in Men
“I do think as the perception of gender roles has evolved and become less traditional in terms of masculine vs. feminine, it has helped men and women become more authentic, and value women with masculine traits and men who are in touch with their feminine or sensitive side,” she says.
“In addition,” says Weiss, “so many women right now are fed up with men who don’t treat them right — e.g. fuckboys — that they really do just want a nice guy.”
“I used to be obsessed with bad boys; now I’m big on nice guys. But I love reading bad boy erotica.” – Jaime, 33
in a culture where women have higher standards for partnership and more complex expectations of what men (and relationships with them) can and should be, the role of the stereotypical bad boy seems like it may be losing ground.
Bad Boy Characteristics That Can Truly Benefit Nice Guys
Even though bad boys might be a bit less culturally attractive today than they used to be, and even if there are a number of reasons you might not want to be one, lots of nice-guy types probably dream of what life would be like if they were more of a bad boy.
RELATED: Why Women Go for the Nice Guy in the End
On some level, that’s only natural — and it’s a curiosity that some people are looking to exploit, says Sullivan Billeci.
“Unfortunately there are greedy or wounded coaches out there,” she says, who preach the use of “manipulative tactics that prey on women’s insecurities.”
But besides those kinds of PUA shenanigans, is wondering what you’d be like if you were a little more ‘bad’ a productive thought experiment?
“I do not think it is beneficial for a shy or meek guy to take on bad boy characteristics if those traits are not aligned with who he authentically is or if it means trying to ‘play a game’ (i.e. purposely make themselves unavailable),” says Goldberg. “It’s also not beneficial for someone to try to change who they are for someone else because they won’t be able to maintain the façade over time.”
That being said, that doesn’t mean that so-called nice guys can’t learn a thing or two from what’s genuinely attractive about so-called bad boys.
RELATED: Dating Tips for Shy Guys
“The one characteristic of the archetypal ‘bad boy’ that might benefit more shy or nerdy men is confidence. It is always sexy to feel comfortable in your body and sure of what you have to offer,” says Weiss. “A bad boy, in its best form, is just someone with a playful spirit who likes to go on adventures. You can take that with you and drop the rest.”
People don’t want someone who treats others with disdain or indifference or who lives on the edge to the point of stupidity. Even if someone is sexually attracted to ‘bad boys,’ kindness and caring go much further in forming the foundation for a healthy relationship.”
Although one other thing can be said for the bad boy type — he often looks cooler than the nice guy.
“If you want to step into a more bold, confident persona inspired by the ‘bad boy’ archetype, you could experiment with fashion choices such as wearing a black jacket or a T-shirt for a rock band you like,” says Weiss.
RELATED: How to Dress for Power, Explained
“Not to impress anyone or pretend to be someone you’re not, but to playfully experiment with bringing out a certain side of yourself,” she says. “See if you show up in the world any differently when you’re giving yourself this visual cue.”
“Bad boy aesthetics separate from behavior (leather jacket, motorcycle, whiskey, etc.) are attractive. Rebellion from the status quo is attractive when it means fighting for progressive values, not when it means doing whatever you want without considering others (more ‘freedom fighter’ than ‘bad boy’ maybe). ‘Bad boy,’ meaning a man who doesn’t really care about his girlfriend and has to be ‘tamed’ into loving her, is actively unattractive.” – Lauren, 36
“If we are defining “bad boy” as someone who is confident, independent, assertive, emotionally stable, and can communicate what he wants in a relationship effectively, that can be very attractive compared to someone who stays in their shell and is perceived as the nice, shy guy,” says Goldberg.
“However, if someone is trying to give off the vibe that they are an impulsive risk-taker who doesn’t care for commitment (the typical colloquial meaning of ‘bad boy’), then a nice guy at the core will find it challenging and incongruent to who they are trying to create that vibe,” she notes.
It’s also worth noting that it’s possible to express seemingly nice-guy traits in a bad-boy way.
“Sometimes what we call ‘bad’ in a man is his willingness to go against the grain,” says Nash Wright, a dating/relationship coach. “An attractive man is one who is willing to take risks.”
Thus, he notes, “One excellent way to stand out as a man is to express how you feel.”
“The perfect ratio is 90% nice guy with 10% edge. I ended up marrying this combo.” – Samantha, 36
“Attractive men are often expressing what they want,” Wright explains. “Rather than trying to be bad (or nice, for that matter), men can be taught to express how they feel, their wants, their desires, in strong ways.”
RELATED: How to Build Confidence When Dealing With Self-Image Issues
Ultimately, “if you identify as meek or shy, consider what qualities you think of as a ‘bad boy’ that you’d like to embody truly,” says Mazzola Wood.
“For instance, maybe you think bad boys are confident,” she says. “Are there ways you can authentically cultivate more confidence i.e., applying for jobs you want, going back to school, or learning public speaking skills. Cultivating more attractive skills authentically is of course going to be appealing to some potential partners, but the intention here is different than just embodying
Last week, I found myself in a situation where I allowed a man, who wasn’t my boyfriend, to perform an intimate examination on me. I deceived my partner by telling him I was at work. When he called me as I was entering a high-end property in Marylebone, I made up an excuse about an important meeting to avoid answering his call. I felt a twinge of guilt as I piled one lie on top of another. Was this a form of infidelity? The man was not a secret lover, but a doctor. So why was I hiding it?
I had gone for a procedure known as a “fertility MOT”, a metaphorical check under the hood of my womb, akin to a mechanic inspecting a used Honda. Instead of oil-stained hands, it was lubricated gloves, and the difference in cost was over £350. The irony is, I’m not trying to conceive. I’m at that awkward age where a friend’s pregnancy announcement could be met with either joy or sympathy. I simply wanted to know my fertility status “for the future”, to have all the facts at my disposal. I wasn’t sure if “bad” results would alter my lifestyle. Maybe I’d be more frivolous with money, adopt more pets, and enjoy a lifetime of unprotected sex. I didn’t inform my boyfriend because it seemed too intense. Even if I rationalised my decision, it would be like showing up to a casual date in a wedding dress. I decided to go alone, but what about the results? We’ve discussed having children, so does he have a right to know the results?
I had the test at the London Wellness Clinic, surrounded by framed pictures of babies and a waiting room filled with affectionate couples. After taking my blood a week earlier, a kind nurse asked me a series of questions, including whether I had a partner and if he knew I was there. I answered “No” with a hint of guilt, similar to when your doctor asks if you’ve quit smoking. “Not a problem at all,” she reassured me. “Many women come alone for a check-up. What you do with the results is your decision.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
Later, with my underwear off and skirt hiked up, the doctor arrived to insert a cold, wand-like instrument inside me. He seemed determined not to look directly at my private area, like it was some sort of eclipse. The first attempt slid along my thigh, but after a slight adjustment, my ovaries were displayed on the screen. I always trim my pubic hair before a gynaecological appointment, which I realise is peculiar. It’s akin to cleaning your house before the cleaner arrives – you know they won’t mind, but you do it anyway. After the examination, we had a debrief in the doctor’s office, which felt like a private biology lesson after missing a term’s worth of classes. I discovered I knew very little about my internal workings, and my results were fairly unremarkable.
“While you don’t have a duty to tell your partner, doing so may still be the smarter option”
Fertility isn’t the only thing I’ve sought to learn about myself. In a relentless pursuit of self-knowledge, I used 23andMe, a company that uses genotyping to detect variations in your DNA. “I can’t wait to see your results,” my boyfriend said. In the past, the only way to predict your potential spouse’s future appearance was to look at their parents. You’d examine your partner’s parents and think, “This is what they could look like in 30 years”, followed by the question “Will I still be attracted to this older version?”. Now, science can answer some of these questions for you.
So, you’ve taken the plunge and moved in together. The lease is signed, the last box is unpacked, and the minor squabble over the placement of tea towels is finally over. You might think the challenging part is over. You’ve successfully transitioned from your bachelor pad with its dubious carpets or your shared house with its prehistoric plumbing. Congratulations, you’ve officially entered adulthood.
However, don’t get too comfortable just yet; there are still some hurdles to overcome. Yes, relationships should flow naturally, and anyone who insists that you need to “work at it” might need to reassess their annoying habits and perhaps clean the bathtub once in a while. But there are still certain rules and courtesies that require your attention. Modern life, as it turns out, can be quite draining.
Moving in together comes with its perks – shared Netflix accounts, discovering new brands of shower gel, extra pairs of socks – but there’s one significant loss you have to come to terms with: your privacy. Living together means being with someone round the clock, and while it might be harder to keep secrets, it doesn’t mean you have to be in each other’s space all the time. It’s all about finding the right balance, making compromises, and accepting that the extra Kit Kat in a pack of seven now belongs to someone else. So, how transparent should you be?
Personal Habits
We all have secrets, ranging from harmless (eating Marmite straight from the jar) to quirky (always voting for the joke candidate in local elections) to downright disgusting (fill in your worst nightmare here). As you settle into the rhythm of living together, these secrets will inevitably come to light. It’s probably a good idea to discuss any potential deal-breakers early on – ideally before the lease is signed. Remember, living with someone is essentially an agreement to accept them as they are – barring any violent, abusive, or illegal behavior, of course. However, there are certain social norms that should be respected. For instance, cutting your toenails in front of your partner is a definite no-no.
Bathroom Etiquette
Living together means letting your guard down. You can walk around naked, have sex whenever and wherever you want, and even belch out loud without any repercussions. However, maintaining a certain level of mystery can be beneficial. The bathroom is a good place to start. Sharing a bath? Perfectly fine, as long as both parties are comfortable. Brushing your teeth while your partner is in the bath? Adorably sitcom-esque. Using the toilet while your partner is in the bath or shower? Only if it’s been discussed and agreed upon beforehand. And absolutely no number twos when your partner is in the room, regardless of how comfortable they claim to be with it.
Sexual Boundaries
In theory, living together means having access to great couple sex whenever the mood strikes. But what about when you need some alone time? As fantastic as the sex might be, even the best chefs enjoy a quick, simple meal every now and then. (I hope you’re following my metaphor here.)
My boyfriend and I have our fair share of disagreements, ranging from the ideal room temperature to the appropriate time to consider someone late for a meeting. However, we rarely argue about my physical appearance. He understands the importance of keeping any negative comments to himself. If I ever express dissatisfaction with my looks, he is quick to reassure me of my perfection. There is, however, one exception to this rule: my armpit hair.
It seems that armpit hair is the final frontier that our progressive views on women’s bodies refuse to cross. Women today can sport short haircuts and wear traditionally male clothing, but the sight of unshaven armpits often elicits strong reactions. Many of my female friends share this sentiment, feeling uncomfortable without smooth, hairless underarms. I’ve tried to convince my boyfriend that his aversion to armpit hair is a societal construct. After all, Gillette essentially created the need for women to shave in 1915 to expand their razor market, using a large-scale shaming ad campaign. However, he simply agrees and admits that the brainwashing has been effective.
Contrarily, I feel empowered and attractive with a bit of hair under my arms. I find it liberating to wear sleeveless tops and let my underarm hair blow freely in the wind. It’s my way of rebelling against societal beauty standards. I’ve tried to explain to my boyfriend that feeling sexy can enhance our intimate moments, but he disagrees. In fact, he finds my armpit hair so unattractive that he recently decided to go on a sex strike until I shave.
While I found his proposal amusing, sex strikes are not as rare as one might think. They are usually initiated by women, though. Last year, actress Alyssa Milano, known for her role in Charmed, called for a sex strike on Twitter until women regain control over their bodies. Despite receiving a lot of criticism, Milano highlighted several historical instances where sex strikes have brought about significant change.
Sex strikes have a long and proud history of implementing change
The most well-known example is the 411 BC play Lysistrata by Aristophanes, where the Peloponnesian War ends peacefully due to women refusing to sleep with their husbands. But this tactic isn’t just a work of fiction. In the 17th century, Iroquois women in North America used a sex strike to gain a say in war decisions. More recently, the Igbo women of southern Nigeria have successfully used sex strikes to protest sexual harassment, British colonial rule, and even to gain their husbands’ approval for other lovers.
Picture this: the unmistakable ambiance of Christmas with the sound of jingling bells, animated Santas singing “Winter Wonderland” powered by new AAA batteries, and nervous singles engaging in conversations over mulled wine to avoid the loneliness of the “cuffing season”. For those unfamiliar with the term, “cuffing season” refers to the perceived need to find a partner during the cold winter months, with the understanding that by spring, the relationship may end. This term, like many other dating buzzwords such as breadcrumbing, harpooning, and ghosting, started as a humorous observation but has now become a popular trend, even becoming one of Google’s most searched terms this winter.
The desire to find a special someone, or at least a temporary companion for the season, seems to intensify during this time of year. According to a study by relationship experts Lovehoney, 76% of British daters admit they’d prefer to be in a relationship during cuffing season. Dating app Bumble has even introduced a “Christmas markets” badge to help users find potential matches interested in holiday-themed dates. A whopping 70% of Bumble users have confessed they’d be willing to go on four dates a week to explore all their options. That’s a significant commitment, especially during the busy holiday season!
On the surface, wanting a relationship during winter seems harmless and even expected, given the heightened sentimentality of the holiday season. Christmas movies often reinforce this idea, featuring storylines about love and relationships. However, perhaps the issue lies not with cuffing season itself, but with societal attitudes towards relationships and singlehood. Society often portrays being single as a deficiency, leading many to feel pressured to find a relationship, any relationship, to fit in.
However, as Alice Deejay once sang, might we be “better off alone”? A study by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) revealed that 3.7 million people over 16 in the UK often or always feel lonely. The desire for a significant other during the holiday season increases with age, with only 21% of those aged 41-54 happy to be single during winter, compared to over a third of 18-24-year-olds. The problem with cuffing season is that it can lead to settling for less than ideal partners, potentially ignoring red flags to avoid being single. In the long run, this could harm our self-esteem and leave us dealing with the aftermath of a breakup once winter ends. While some may welcome any connection to combat loneliness, it’s important to remember that being single can be enjoyable and is certainly better than being in a bad relationship.
Recalling the incident still makes Liam cringe. He was at his local pub with a woman he had been dating for a few months. Their relationship had progressed quickly, spurred on by the lockdown. They had vacationed together and met each other’s friends. Then, one afternoon, she showed him her Instagram account and her recent shift to video content, where she talked about her 30-day fitness challenge to her followers.
“The silence was deafening,” says Liam, who is now 34. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t hide his genuine reaction. “She was a wonderful person, fun to be around – but I found this to be a turn-off,” he admits. “I’m not really from the generation that talks into the camera. It made me feel uncomfortable.” His date could tell from his expression, Liam says. “She was utterly embarrassed, my reaction was clearly one of shock.”
His date attempted to downplay her Instagram ambitions, but the damage was done. A few weeks later, Liam ended the relationship: he had experienced his first-ever ick.
You might have experienced it too: that sudden, seemingly trivial turn-off that can spell the end for a budding romance or even a relationship. The term “the ick” (as in “I got the…” or ”it gave me an…”) was popularised by Love Island last year and has since become a common term for an unexpected loss of attraction.
For Ben, it was discovering that a girl he was dating kept a can of Coke by her bed and sipped from it every few hours. Tim ended things with a woman after she referred to her father as “daddy” in conversation – and with another when she introduced him to her pet hamster during his first visit to her house. “The hamster was adorable,” he says. ”But I knew that was the end.” For Xavier, it was finding out over dinner that his date didn’t know how to use chopsticks. The restaurant was upscale enough to make the request awkward, he remembers, “I never felt the same after that.”
The ick can be superficial or profound; it can occur suddenly, or gradually. In the recent second season of the BBC series Industry, Harper experiences it not even mid-hookup but “somewhere between the cab and the front door”. Regardless, it is believed to be almost impossible to recover from. According to a recent survey by dating app Badoo, 82 per cent of users said they had experienced the ick and 78 per cent had ended a relationship because of it. However, while we might discuss the ick as a consistent and widely shared phenomenon, the concept is vague – and highly personal. Clinical psychotherapist Jordan Dixon says it reflects our own “erotic blueprint”. “We all have a diverse range of things that turn us on – the same applies to what turns us off, and our icks.” She adds: “Disgust doesn’t usually come out of nowhere.”
For both men and women, the ick can be a reliable indicator of a lack of connection or even incompatibility. Today, Liam recognises his strong reaction as a sign of a deeper disconnect that would have inevitably surfaced over time. “In retrospect, I just wasn’t connecting with her in the way I would with a partner,” he says. “As we spent more time together, that connection wasn’t growing, and then I didn’t really want it to. That’s when the ick set in. It was just a stark moment among other subtler moments of me thinking: ’This isn’t quite right’.” At the time, Liam admits, he was so disturbed by the sudden change in his feelings, he turned to Google to try to understand it. “It was so strange to me: I’d stopped being attracted to someone.”
Sex Lives is a series that explores the sexual journey of individuals. This week, we delve into the story of Omar, a 30-year-old transgender man from Chicago.
Omar recalls his first sexual encounter at the age of 16, before his transition. He and his then-boyfriend had planned to watch a movie, but due to it being sold out, they ended up in the back of his mom’s car in the parking garage. This was where Omar had sex for the first time. Their relationship ended shortly after, as his boyfriend developed feelings for his male best friend. Both of them are now openly gay.
As a teenager, Omar was highly sexually active. He had numerous boyfriends and sexual encounters with guys during his high school years. However, he admits that these experiences were more about the thrill than the quality of the sex. He even had separate encounters with a pair of twins.
Upon entering college, Omar fell in love with his roommate. Their relationship started with drunken hookups, which eventually evolved into sober ones. After spending a summer apart without discussing their relationship, they resumed their sexual relationship upon returning for their sophomore year. This led to them becoming girlfriends. They continued dating throughout college and remain friends to this day.
Eventually, Omar and his girlfriend could no longer hide their relationship from their families. During spring break, they each came out to their families and revealed that they were dating. Their fathers took the news well, but their mothers did not. Omar’s mother, despite her previous claims of acceptance and love for the LGBTQ+ community, reacted negatively. This strained their relationship, as she expressed her discomfort with homosexuality. She even suggested that it would be easier if Omar were a guy, a statement that stuck with him.
Omar began exploring his gender identity while studying abroad in Barcelona. He and his girlfriend had an open relationship, and he started dating other girls and presenting himself in a more masculine way. He was drawn to the butch aesthetic prevalent in Europe at the time. He felt uncomfortable in traditionally feminine clothing, so this shift felt natural. He even purchased a binder online, marketed as a “tomboy lesbian cosplay tank top.” Despite these changes, he still identified as a girl at the time.
For Louis*, a 40-year-old man, and his wife, their intimate moments are often filled with thoughts of her past lovers. Louis finds himself imagining her previous encounters, sometimes even picturing himself as one of her exes. He may even request his wife to narrate her past sexual experiences during their intimate moments. While this might seem unusual to many, for Louis, it’s a source of arousal.
Having been together for over a decade, Louis’ curiosity about his wife’s past lovers began about five years ago. He recalls the first time he asked her about her previous partners and one-night stands, “I was incredibly aroused as she narrated her experiences. It was a first for me, asking a partner about their past lovers. My wife was taken aback that I was interested in knowing about her past sexual encounters, how she enjoyed them, and how they made her feel.”
Despite society’s progress in moving away from the notion that women should remain virgins until marriage, there is still a fascination with women’s sexual history. This interest manifests in various ways, from TikTok discussions about women’s ‘body counts’, to ‘virginity auctions’, and even within personal relationships where past lovers can be a source of jealousy and insecurity.
However, not everyone is uncomfortable with their partner’s past sexual experiences. Some people, like Louis, find it arousing. They may fantasize about their partner’s past one-night stands, role-play as an ex during sex, or simply enjoy hearing about their partner’s past sexual escapades. This particular sexual interest has its own dedicated subreddit, known as ‘hotpast’.
The ‘hotpast’ subreddit, with nearly 86,000 members, is predominantly male. In contrast, a similar subreddit for women to share stories about their partners’ past has only 202 members. The subreddit strictly focuses on discussions about partners’ past sexual experiences, with topics like cuckolding, hot wives, swinging, and cheating being off-limits. The posts usually consist of titillating anecdotes, stories of how couples incorporate the fetish into their sex lives, and advice on dealing with occasional bouts of jealousy.
The reason why some men fetishize their partner’s past sexual activities could be linked to the feelings of jealousy and insecurity these stories evoke. Psychologist and sex therapist David Ley suggests that this could be a process of ‘eroticisation of fear’, where people overcome their fears by transforming them into a sexual experience.
Martin*, a 33-year-old ‘hotpast’ fetishist, agrees with this theory. He says, “The fetish felt like the antidote to the insecurity and jealousy I was dealing with early on in my relationship.” Martin, who lost his virginity to his current partner, was initially jealous of her past sexual experiences. To cope with this, he reframed these encounters as arousing. Now, he often fantasizes about his partner’s past sexual encounters.
However, not all ‘hotpast’ fetishists are driven by jealousy. For Louis, it’s more about sharing in his wife’s past pleasures. “I’m sure she’s had a few great times in bed without me and I wouldn’t want to shame her into thinking she can’t think of those again since we’re married,” he says. “I’d like to enjoy those times with her. We sometimes use her vibrator and pretend it’s an ex; when she orgasms, she’ll think about him and their past, and what they did at that moment.”
Anna experienced the pain of two break-ups in the same month. At 31, she was living in Amsterdam and was involved in two serious relationships that ended simultaneously.
Anna didn’t identify as polyamorous until she met Michael. “I had a feeling that I was poly for a long time, but I wasn’t ready to accept it,” she admits. “When Michael discussed his sexual identity, I felt like I was finally understood.”
When Anna and Michael met, she was already in an open relationship, which is different from polyamory as it involves multiple sexual partners rather than romantic ones. She had never experienced being in love with two people at the same time. “Suddenly, I had two partners who felt like they held equal places in my heart,” she adds.
However, things started to unravel soon after. “There were no clear rules or boundaries with either of them, which, looking back, was a mistake,” she reflects. Although Anna’s long-term partner had agreed to a polyamorous arrangement, he was never entirely comfortable with it, and the change affected him significantly.
Her relationship with Michael also started causing her a lot of stress. He would act inconsiderately or even cruelly, such as being inconsistent, demanding everything on his terms, or disregarding her feelings. Despite these being signs of an unhealthy relationship, Anna says, “he would often justify his actions by referring to the theoretical aspects of polyamory,” which made her question her feelings. Eventually, Michael’s behaviour led to an intervention by his friends, who revealed that many women in the poly community had also had negative experiences with him.
“Because polyamory is a new concept for many people, there’s a risk of not knowing if the behaviours you’re witnessing are genuinely not okay,” says Anna, “or if they just seem not okay because you’re not familiar with polyamory yet.”
Anna’s confusion about polyamory is not unique, especially with the rising popularity of consensual non-monogamy, an umbrella term for polyamory, open relationships, and swinging. The growth of CNM has been associated with the rapid expansion of Feeld, a dating app for those interested in alternative relationship styles and sexual preferences. Feeld saw a 250 percent increase in UK users between 2021 and 2022, and a 242 percent increase in people interested in consensual non-monogamy between 2020 and 2021.
While the definition varies for each type of non-monogamy and for every individual relationship, consensual or ethical non-monogamy generally involves having sexual and/or romantic relationships with multiple people, all of whom have given their informed consent to being non-monogamous. It requires honest communication, responsibility, and respect in every relationship. It usually necessitates ‘rules’ or a ‘contract’. Sexual encounters or romantic relationships with exes, friends of friends or colleagues may all be off-limits. You might decide on a ‘no staying over after a hook-up’ rule, or, if you live together, a ban on having sex in your shared bed. Then, you have to decide how you’ll communicate about it all. Will you inform each other about every hook-up? If so, how much detail will you provide? There’s also the question of how you’ll handle feelings of jealousy, which people in non-monogamous relationships are not immune to.
However, as the term becomes more common in people’s dating app bios, some people are misusing it, whether intentionally or not. This might manifest as someone using the guise of consensual non-monogamy to be deceitful, enforce double standards, or just generally as a way to get away with poor dating behaviour. There’s even a term for it: the polyamorous fuckboy.
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