How to Send Direct Messages Without Appearing Creepy by Lisa
In the digital era, we’ve become more audacious. Previously reserved colleagues now freely share controversial views, your teenage timidity is a thing of the past as you regularly post daring selfies, and naturally, your inbox is buzzing with flattering direct messages from potential romantic partners.
Direct messages (DMs) are still in a somewhat lawless stage. Aside from legal considerations around age and harassment, their content is largely unregulated. Without robust privacy settings, anyone can send you a message praising your work or appearance, a harsh critique, or even hate speech, all with the cold detachment that only the internet can provide. Unwilling recipients often resort to taking matters into their own hands, seeking justice through the reliable screenshot. Public shaming attempts – often futile – to reform repeat offenders, their transgressions and exposure serving as both a lesson and a deterrent to others considering an awkward intrusion into someone’s personal space.
The DM slide carries a certain mystique. We all know it happens and some of us have even been on the receiving end. But a perfect DM is a rare sight. Would we even recognize one if we saw it? Based on current evidence, a good DM doesn’t provoke an uncomfortable gut reaction followed by an irresistible urge to tear your own eyes out and throw them into a vat of bleach.
Men, in particular, seem to have a knack for overshooting the mark and veering into sleaziness. Bad DMs lack subtlety: they accelerate from zero to 60, with zero being “a polite nod hello” and 60 a request for intimate photographs. We send unsolicited explicit pictures, thoughtless compliments about physical attributes – anything to keep it superficial. Men’s DMs can be hasty, clumsy; they pulsate with insecurity and aggression. Even in consensual DMs, there’s rarely room for subtlety – “worth a shot” is our motto and our epitaph.
Why go through the trouble? If you’re not a celebrity, surely the success rate for clumsy, laughable interactions is extremely low? Why don’t women adopt this approach? According to Justin Hancock, a sex and relationships educator and creator of Bish, “The current culture encourages men to be active, dominant, and interested in sex and women to be the opposite – passive, submissive, not too interested in sex, but interested enough.” A few years ago, anyone receiving creepy DMs might feel pressured to be flattered, not make a fuss, but now we’re more empowered to call out inappropriate behavior. Despite this, however, the playing field is still uneven and many men exploit historical norms that tell them they’re expected to do the pursuing and not give up.
Like most online communications, context is crucial and the choice of platform can make a significant difference. A message that seems out of place on Twitter might be more appropriate on Instagram, for instance. Instagram Stories have long been used as a dating tool: they’re instant, visual, temporary, and allow you to carefully craft your own image, tailoring it to specific, select audiences. Auto-generated reactions help your audience show an interest without ruining everything with poor conversation. The “🔥” emoji is particularly potent and often a welcome way to initiate non-public contact, as it offers a compliment without being too specific. Another advantage: it relieves both parties of pressure, because it doesn’t require a response. It shows appreciation, yes, and indicates interest in starting a conversation, but it’s also passive, if a bit more emphatic than the usual like or heart. If they don’t respond, you can both walk away with your dignity intact.
The flame emoji is also useful for gay or bi individuals – especially those not out. Its ambiguity means it can be interpreted as a vague compliment on someone’s outfit or physique – liking a gym pic is not necessarily sexual in itself, even among men – but if it becomes a regular exchange with someone ostensibly “straight”, especially one who doesn’t follow you, it can signal curiosity. Music journalist Jay has made a few connections this way: “It’s liberating to be able to chat and understand the guys a bit better without them having to feel it’s seedy,” he says. “It’s opened a few doors for me friendship-wise… It’s a gradual acceptance and normalisation too, all started with a flame emoji!” In the right hands, a DM slide is powerful and useful.
