Warning Signs in a Relationship by Lisa
8 Warning Signs to Look Out for in Your Relationship
Starting a new relationship can be one of the most exhilarating experiences.
There’s a new individual in your life, and every day is filled with anticipation to see them, learn more about them, and create unforgettable memories together.
However, this euphoria can sometimes blind you to the less appealing aspects of your partner. Minor flaws may seem trivial or charming, rather than potential obstacles in the future.
These are often referred to as “red flags,” indicators of potential problems. If you’re content with your new partner, you might not pay much attention to these, but it’s beneficial to be aware of some common ones. This way, you can avoid a potentially disastrous relationship before it spirals out of control.
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Here are eight red flags to watch out for in a relationship with a new partner:
1. They Treat Service People Disrespectfully
A person’s true character is often revealed in how they treat those they perceive as less powerful. Therefore, it’s wise to observe your partner’s behavior around service people.
“If your partner is rude or intolerant of others, such as a restaurant server or a store salesperson, that can be a red flag indicating their character,” says Heidi McKenzie, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues.
“If they are bossy, demanding, dismissive, or outright rude to service people, it may be a matter of time before that type of contempt is directed at you.”
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A few unpleasant interactions with waitstaff or cashiers might seem insignificant compared to the kindness they show you, but unfortunately, it could be a harbinger of worse things to come.
Steve Phillips-Waller, founder of the lifestyle website A Conscious Rethink, concurs.
“Early on in a relationship, a person’s true colors are more likely to reveal themselves during interactions with third parties, and not directly with you,” he says. “If they are rude, arrogant, unkind, or treat others poorly in any way, it’s something you’ll want to pay great attention to before considering their place in your life.”
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2. They Never Disagree With You
Contrary to popular belief, arguing with your partner is actually crucial.
“[Conflict is] meant to bring you closer together, learn more about each other and ultimately grow together. But when it’s not handled well, it can cause serious issues,” says Rachel Wright, a licensed marriage therapist and co-founder of Wright Wellness Center. “The problem in our society is we don’t teach how to do this well.”
As appealing as it might sound to avoid arguments, you should be cautious of a partner who cannot or will not disagree with you. If you want a long-term relationship, you’ll need to learn how to argue in a healthy way, which starts with resolving minor disagreements early on.
“Research suggests that engaging in small disagreements can help to ease tension and prevent bigger fights down the road,” notes Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist.
“And disagreements also help you to clarify your needs and expectations and better understand your partner’s so that you can both adjust your behavior moving forward,” she adds. “Arguing that results in positive resolutions can also lead to greater relationship satisfaction as you become more honest, relieve relationship tension and communicate your needs and expectation.”
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3. They Want to Spend Every Moment With You
At the beginning of a relationship, it’s normal to want to be with your partner all the time. But if you suddenly find your personal time disappearing, it’s possible that there might be some boundary issues.
“There are some boundaries that should be maintained,” says Adina Mahalli, MSW of Maple Holistics. “If your new partner wants to come over every night, even if you’ve made it clear that you’re busy, you should recognize this as a potential red flag. It’s healthy for both of you to have your own lives and commitments.”
While spending time together is important, healthy relationships also allow each person some independence and free time.
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“That means that your partner understands if you want to have a guys’ night out from time to time or if you need an evening to yourself just because you feel like it,” adds McKenzie. “If your partner becomes threatened by these needs or makes you feel guilty about it, it may be a sign that you’re getting into a relationship with someone who is needy, jealous, or controlling.”
4. They Refuse to Take Responsibility for Their Actions
Life’s misfortunes are often complex. Rarely is anything solely your fault. But someone who refuses to take even a little bit of responsibility for their problems could be seen as immature. If that’s the case with your new partner, be cautious of how their behavior may reflect their personality.
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“If they find fault with just about everyone, you might want to acknowledge the common denominator: It’s them,” says O’Reilly. “Since your partner’s friendships and relationship with family can affect yours, it’s important to pay attention to the way they speak about and interact with other people in their lives.”
Things can get particularly ugly when it comes to interactions between the two of you if you get into a disagreement that your partner insists is all your fault.
“If your new partner messes up and an apology is nowhere to be found, you might want to rethink this relationship,” warns Mahalli. “It’s important to acknowledge when you make mistakes in order to move forward. When someone isn’t able to do this, you might let it slip at first, but in the long run, it can lead to unresolved issues and built-up resentment.”
5. They Keep You At a Distance
In the initial months of dating someone, it’s normal for you to not know certain things about them — details about their past, friends they only see occasionally, and so on.
As time goes by, a clearer picture should form as you learn more about them. If they still remain elusive and enigmatic well into the relationship, though, it could be a sign that something’s amiss.
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“[It’s a red flag if] your partner had a life before you met and continues to have a life outside of the relationship, but you only ever hear about it from them [and] they never actually make the effort to involve you in it,” says Phillips-Waller.
“You should be particularly wary if, after dating for a reasonable number of months, you have not met any of their friends or family members and they make no mention of you ever doing so,” he adds. “Sure, some people are very private, but if they are not proud to be with you or they have some other reason for keeping you a secret, it’s unlikely to be a good sign.”
It might be that your partner doesn’t have many people in their life rather than that they’re hiding them from you, but that presents its own set of challenges.
“While it may initially be appealing to be with someone whose time and attention is solely focused on you, this could indicate a deeper struggle with developing meaningful relationships and difficulty with genuine connection,” says Miller. “In addition, seeing someone interact with their friends, and getting to know those friends provide great insight into the person you are dating.”
6. They Try to Isolate You From Your Friends and Family
It might start out with requests that seem innocent enough, but a new partner telling you what you can and can’t do should be a cause for concern, regardless of the specific things they’re asking.
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This becomes even more alarming if they’re trying to control who you spend time with, especially if they try to justify it as being for romantic reasons.
“If you notice your partner is pressuring you to spend less and less time with family and friends so you can dedicate 100 percent of your attention and affection on that individual, this could be a sign that your partner is building a fort around you in order to keep others out,” says Pam Evans, relationship strategist and author of Ring Exchange — Life Lessons from a Multiple Marrier.
“When your feeling of isolation finally sets in, it may be too late to act. Your smothering partner may have left you no gap for breathing the fresh air of personal freedom in your relationship.”
This kind of smothering isn’t just unhealthy, it’s toxic. If your partner is trying to block out everyone else in your life, you need to act — fast.
“You can see signs pretty clearly if you look out for them,” says dating and relationship coach Amie Leadingham.
“In the early stages of dating, the controlling person starts to isolate their partner from their friends and family,” she explains. “Trying to create codependency behavior on the controlling partner. If you see any sign of abuse in your relationship, even verbal, I recommend reaching out to a licensed professional therapist or others for additional support to help you get out of this toxic relationship.”
7. They Don’t Support Your Goals
Relationships between two people are also, to some extent, relationships between the versions of those people who met at a specific moment. While it’s natural to change over time as we learn life lessons and gain experience, how your partner reacts to those changes can be a sign of what they’re really like.
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“It’s important to notice how our romantic interest reacts to good news in our life,” says counselor Shannon Thomas. “Are they genuinely excited for us or do we receive a lukewarm response? If you start noticing a pattern where their responses are less enthusiastic than you would expect, take note. It is likely to only get worse with time and is a sign they might feel threatened by your success or personal growth.”
A healthy relationship is one where both partners support each other’s goals. Someone who exudes jealousy-fueled indifference is a partner who is actively trying to hinder your personal growth.
“When your partner says, ‘I don’t think you should take that course, as you won’t be home every evening like you are now,’” that’s a definite red flag, says Evans. “Your partner could be demonstrating a lack of interest and/or support in your evolution for fear you might change and grow away from them.”
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8. They’re Openly Cruel to You
Perhaps the most crucial red flag of all is your partner treating you poorly. You can learn a lot from contextual clues, like how they treat other people, what they show you, what they keep from you, and how they’re nice to you.
But when they’re cruel to you, they’re showing you the kind of person they truly are.
“I tell my clients to run for the hills if their partner calls them ‘lazy,’ ‘stupid,’ or ‘lame,’ and then say, ‘Lighten up — I was just kidding,’ when they take offense,” says McKenzie. “Name calling is never OK, even in the guise of joking around. If you are hearing these things early on in a relationship, odds are good that you are heading into a relationship with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive.”
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Particularly worrisome is any form of aggression or violence directed toward you, or simply occurring in your presence. You don’t have to be hurt by a flying shard of porcelain to know you don’t like having a plate thrown at you.
“Excusing the behavior by saying that your partner is ‘just dramatic’ or ‘passionate’ is a big mistake,” warns McKenzie. “Arguing in a relationship should never be accompanied by displays of physical aggression and is a sign to get out and get out now.”
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“Sometimes, men overlook this red flag because they don’t feel particularly threatened by a woman’s physical aggression,” she adds. “Whether you feel threatened or not, it’s still a sign that indicates a tumultuous and chaotic relationship down the road.”
Aside from outright abuse, none of these red flags are necessarily deal breakers in and of themselves, but they are signs that you should consider when thinking about the future of the relationship.
As tempting as it may be to stick around and try to change the person for the better, that might not be possible.
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