Misconceptions Men Have About Sex by Lisa
Imagine sitting down with a renowned relationship therapist for an interview. You’ve prepared a list of intelligent questions, but as you start asking them, they seem less insightful than you initially thought. The therapist does her best to respond, but it’s clear she’s not engaged. She can tell your questions are a diversion from more personal, deeper inquiries. The interview isn’t going well.
In a desperate attempt to salvage the conversation, you start sharing your own insecurities about sex and dating. You stumble upon the questions that have been truly bothering you. Suddenly, the therapist becomes animated. She begins to dissect your concerns. In a span of about ninety minutes, she breaks down the fragile structure of male sexuality in America.
This was my experience when I met with Esther Perel, a Belgian-American psychotherapist and author of ‘Mating in Captivity’ and ‘The State of Affairs’. Over a cup of tea and coffee at the Soho Grand, Perel gave me a personal masterclass on everything men (and women) misunderstand about sex. In this article, she discusses why the practical American approach doesn’t translate well to sex and romance, how Tinder is used to avoid rejection, and the role of alcohol in hookup culture.
Perel’s quote, ‘Tinder is a rejection prevention app for dudes’, encapsulates her perspective on the modern dating scene.
GQ: There’s a common belief that Europeans have a higher level of sexual intelligence. Why is that? Did all the prudes move to the U.S.?
Esther Perel: It’s not just about Europe. It’s also about Protestant versus Catholic and Anglo-Saxon versus Latin cultures. But there’s something about sexuality in the U.S. It’s seen as an activity rather than an experience. It’s goal-oriented, with a clear end in sight. This is similar to how Americans approach flirting. They’re focused on scoring. If they’re not going to achieve the desired result, they see no point in it. They apply their pragmatic mindset to the erotic and the mystic.
So, it’s a misplaced approach?
Yes, this model works well for the economy and the market, but not for intimate relationships. That’s why sex is often removed from its narrative context. It’s seen as just an act. The question is, “How was it? Did you both climax?”
How can we reintroduce the narrative?
We need to start a new education program, beginning with four-year-olds. That’s when children are naturally curious, asking questions like, “Where do I come from, and where do we go when we die?” That’s the time to start talking about the story of sex. It’s about the conception of self, understanding who they like, who they don’t like, and why.
