When I first began my relationship with my boyfriend, his place was the go-to hangout spot for our group of friends. Most nights were spent drinking and watching an eclectic mix of films, from obscure Japanese horror to forgotten John Travolta movies from the 80s. We even discovered a 2014 thriller starring Ryan Reynolds and Rosario Dawson, titled The Captive, and a Christian Mingle rom-com featuring Gretchen Weiners, aptly named Christian Mingle. The unique aspect of these movie nights was the constant chatter that accompanied the films.
While I was familiar with the concept of talking over a movie, this was my first real experience with it. I had previously lived with seven guys where movies like The Departed and Training Day were always playing in the background, but I never actually sat down to watch with them. My family had strict rules about silence during movie nights, so this was a new experience for me.
I found the commentary from my friends enjoyable in the right context. However, I was taken aback when my boyfriend also talked over significant TV shows, like The Bachelorette. I was used to making fun of the contestants and commenting on the show during the breaks in dialogue, but he seemed oblivious to these pauses.
Fast forward five years, and this is still a point of contention between us. I’ve come to realize that this is a common issue for many couples. It’s not about what to watch, but how to watch it. For us, it’s about when to talk, but other couples have different viewing habits that can cause friction. Watching TV with someone else can be surprisingly challenging, and this year, couples have had to navigate this more than ever.
Consider the ongoing debate about subtitles. Subtitles are fantastic and necessary for accessibility, helpful for those learning a new language, and essential for foreign films. However, if neither person in a couple strictly needs them, it can cause disagreements. My friend Ryan* once said, “I don’t think I could date an always-on subtitles person. Sometimes TV is confusing and that’s OK!” I understand his point—we often turn off subtitles for comedies to avoid reading the punchline before hearing it. However, I prefer subtitles for British shows because the accents can be hard to understand. Thankfully, Ryan and I are not quarantined together.
Understanding the Impact of Your XXX Habits on Your Relationship
Additional information provided by Aly Walansky.
The 21st century has seen a significant increase in the consumption of streaming porn, making it a more prominent part of people’s lives than ever before.
Why is this? In the past, watching hours of porn would have involved renting a pile of tapes from a local video store. Now, it’s not only free but also accessible without leaving your bed.
RELATED: A Comprehensive AskMen Guide to Pornography
Consequently, the role of porn in people’s lives has evolved. The traditional stereotype of a man secretly masturbating to porn is a narrow view of the potential role of porn in our erotic lives.
In fact, porn can play a significant role in the sex lives of both single and partnered individuals, often in a positive way. While not everyone has experience watching porn with a partner, it can be an exciting and sexy step for a couple to take.
The Influence of Porn on Relationships
Even if you don’t spend most of your time watching or thinking about porn, and haven’t discussed it with your partner, it can still have a significant impact on your relationship.
This is because men’s porn-watching habits can directly affect their sex lives, and the quality of a couple’s sex life can greatly influence the overall quality of their relationship. It’s a domino effect.
But how does this work?
Many men learn about sex from watching porn and may assume that their partner wants the same type of sex depicted in porn — for example, hard and fast, constantly changing positions, and plenty of anal and oral sex, says sex therapist Jacqui Olliver.
However, in heterosexual relationships, this often doesn’t align with their partner’s reality, which can make sex less enjoyable or even unpleasant.
Furthermore, an unhealthy relationship with porn can be a factor, whether you’re learning the wrong lessons from it or not.
“Many men become so dependent on this type of stimulation that they become unable to respond to intimacy with their partners,” says Wendy Strgar, founder of Good Clean Love.
Feeling like your partner prefers masturbating to porn over having sex with you can lead to feelings of abandonment and resentment towards their porn use.
RELATED: Am I Addicted to Internet Porn?
However, it’s not all negative. By openly discussing porn and making it a comfortable topic for both of you, it can become a positive factor in your relationship.
“If you are using porn to replace intimacy with a partner this may well be a sign of bigger trouble,” says Strgar. But “conversely, some couples choose pornographic titles that are stimulating for both of them and get both turned on and new ideas to bring into their own lovemaking.”
“Some of the conversations that porn sparks in the couples I work with include fantasies — what they like, dislike and daydream about, but also boundaries — what is totally off-limits,” says Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist.
From this perspective, understanding each other’s relationship to porn can be a crucial building block in a couple’s shared erotic experience.
RELATED: Things Many Women Secretly Want in Bed
Discussing Porn With a Partner
So, how do you reach a point where you’re watching porn with a partner or using it to learn how to please each other better? It begins with having a conversation — or several — about it.
“Consider how you want to discuss porn with your partner in the most appropriate way, depending on the level and quality of intimacy you guys already share,” says Brown.
If it’s early in the relationship and your partner isn’t yet comfortable with the subject, it may be too soon. But as the relationship progresses, you should get a sense of their comfort level with discussing sex.
Once that feels natural, Sara Brown, the press and communication manager at Lustery, suggests letting the topic of porn naturally become part of the conversation.
“It’s important first to understand your partner’s feelings about porn,” she explains. “Do they watch it? Do they like it? How comfortable are they with you watching it? Would they prefer to watch it together?”
“Making broad statements or asking value questions about porn to your partner can lead to miscommunication,” Brown notes. “Choose to be direct, personal, and vulnerable instead — this way, you allow your partner to support you (and each other).”
RELATED: How Women Really Feel About Male Masturbation Habits
Along with sharing, you can also explore asking each other about your respective relationships to porn. This could include questions like:
How often do you watch porn?
When did you first start watching porn?
How do you feel about porn?
What kinds of porn do you find hot?
What kinds of porn turn you off?
However, it’s possible that the first attempt to have this conversation doesn’t go smoothly.
“It can be anxiety-inducing for many couples talking about their own masturbation habits,” says Emily Depasse, MSW, M.Ed, sex educator and Everlywell partner. “While sex with one another may come easily, talking about masturbation habits can lead to fear of judgment or even jealousy from our partners. With this in mind, realize that your partner may be just as nervous as you in bringing it up.”
That being said, sex therapist Dr. Melissa Cook at FunWithFeet and Sofia Gray notes that, like any aspect of sex, this doesn’t have to be a one-time conversation with your partner.
“By regularly revisiting the conversation and checking in with each other, you can ensure that you remain on the same page and it will be easier and quicker to work on any issues,” she says.
Watching Porn With a Partner
“One couple I’m working with says that talking about porn has increased their confidence in bed, because the frank discussions have helped them to accept that they’re not required to look or act like porn stars,” says O’Reilly. “He felt pressure to ‘perform’ like the men in the videos (hard on demand, constant thrusting) and was relieved when she explained that this is the opposite of what she wants in bed.”
RELATED: Porn vs. Sex — Porn Stars Reveal the Differences
One woman, she says, “saw a woman spit all over her hands in a blow job scene and this is what inspired her to try using lube for oral sex.”
And yet another couple “found that they were really turned on by the group sex scenes, but didn’t want to try it in real life — instead, they take turns blindfolding one another and talking about group scenes.”
So, being open about porn with a partner can make you feel more open and free in bed. And that may lead to a great increase in confidence, and much more fun. But how, exactly, do you go about watching it together?
“To ensure that both partners feel respected and comfortable, start by discussing boundaries, preferences and concerns,” says Cook.
“This is particularly important if [either of you has] a history of sexual trauma, as certain scenes (e.g., rough sex or penetration) might be triggering,” Brown agrees. “Establish clear boundaries first.”
RELATED: How to Support a Partner Who Was Abused
Depasse believes it’s important to figure out what you both want out of this exploration.
“Are you interested in watching the same type of porn? Acting out similar scenes or along with the porn? Are you looking to masturbate with and alongside one another?” she asks. “Once you identify what you’re seeking, you can better know what to look for.”
Don’t expect everything to click right away, however, Depasse says.
“It may take some time to find your way,” she notes. “If you’ve never watched porn with someone else, or it’s your first time watching porn with this partner, there could be some awkward moments at first, but don’t let them discourage you.”
RELATED: How to Make Sex Less Awkward
In fact, Brown suggests leaning into the awkwardness and making it intentionally un-sexy to start off with.
“It’s best to watch porn together when you’re not already aroused,” she says. “Discuss your likes and dislikes about the scenes. Having a selection of videos ready can be helpful so you can switch whenever you feel it necessary or turn it off altogether.”
That way, you’ll be able to get a sense of what might work and what wouldn’t — and then approach it later better able to properly make an erotic experience out of it.
RELATED: Women Share Their Favorite Porn Sites
“If you guys end up getting aroused and initiating sex, keep the focus on each other and keep the verbal communication going,” says Brown. “Have fun with each other and the porn you are watching. And if the porn becomes distracting, turn it off; you can always repeat the experience another day in the future if you’ve found it exciting or useful.”
Dealing With Different Porn Preferences
All the potential positives of being open about your porn-watching habits with a partner overlook one key concern — the fear that your partner may find what you watch to be repulsive.
While some of this fear is likely due to sexual shame — a common feeling in sex-negative cultures — there’s also a realistic element to it.
Especially in heterosexual relationships, it’s not uncommon for women to find their male partners’ sexual fantasies shocking or disturbing.
RELATED: What to Do When Your Partner’s Sex Fantasy Freaks You Out
Conversely, men can also find their partners’ porn-watching habits unappealing. So how do you address this, should it arise?
“Keep in mind that the sex we watch on-screen often differs from what we want in reality,” says Brown. “Porn belongs to the world of our deepest fantasies, which frequently are meant to stay there — in the world of fantasy. Just as much as it’s not porn’s responsibility to be a faithful representation of what we like to do in our actual sex lives, and certainly is not to be taken as a sex education course.”
RELATED: Why Porn Is a Terrible Form of Sex Education
“Never yuck someone’s yum,” says Depasse. “If you have differing tastes, see if you can find something to compromise on without shaming your partner’s desires. If you enjoy sex with one another, there’s likely something you can find that satisfies both of your appetites.”
“It’s important to approach these conversations with care and empathy so begin with an open conversation about preferences, needs, desires and try not to judge each other,” says Cook. “Compromise is key, and you need to try and find common ground by searching for content that has aspects both parties enjoy.”
She also suggests taking turns picking porn clips to watch, but emphasizes that you should “never pressure the other person into watching something they don’t want to. Instead, be respectful of their boundaries and try to find a healthy medium.”
RELATED: What Is Kink-Shaming? (And Why You Should Avoid Doing It)
Ultimately, if you approach the conversation with curiosity rather than judgment, it could be a learning opportunity for both of you, Brown says.
“If there’s a ‘mismatch’ in your tastes, you can transform it into food for thought to better understand each other’s inner worlds and enhance your shared intimacy,” she notes. “A non-judgmental approach is essential! We can learn so much from a taste difference if we see it as an opportunity to learn, grow alone and together, and challenge our sex views.”
And if you really can’t find any porn that you both want to watch together? Depasse suggests you can always go old-school and add a mirror to your bedroom and watch yourselves do the deed, instead of performers.
Concerned About Her Past Relationships? Here’s What You Need To Know
Our resident Dating Guru is an enigmatic character whose identity and location remain a mystery. However, his expertise in the dating world is unquestionable. He’s been on countless dates and is here to help the average guy elevate his dating game.
The Dilemma
Hello Dating Guru,
Things are going well. I recently reconnected with a woman I was infatuated with in college, and surprisingly, she’s interested in me now. We’ve been on a few dates, and it’s been fantastic. We’re really hitting it off. However, there’s a significant issue. She used to be a party girl — she drank a lot and was quite promiscuous. This bothers me. I don’t like the idea of her being intimate with other men. It also makes me question whether she’s ready for a serious relationship, which is what I’m looking for. How should I handle this?
– Worried William
The Solution
Hello Worried William,
What should you do? The short answer is, you don’t need to do anything, because this isn’t a serious issue. You’re overreacting a bit. However, your concerns are valid, so let’s delve into them.
There are two questions here. The first is, how do I deal with my discomfort about my new girlfriend’s past relationships? How can I stop imagining her being intimate with other men? Essentially, how do I handle my jealousy?
My advice is to get over it. Seriously. It’s time to move on.
I understand your feelings, and they are quite common. Few people enjoy imagining their partner in the throes of passion with someone else. It’s not pleasant, and it’s not your fault that these thoughts are in your head. I get it.
However, consider this. You wouldn’t want to be judged based on your past relationships, would you? Imagine meeting your soulmate, and then imagine how you would feel if she left you after finding out about a wild night you had at a party once. That would be an overreaction, right? So don’t do that to her.
Unless there’s something you’re not telling me, it doesn’t seem like you think promiscuity is inherently wrong. You’re not upset because of moral reasons. You’re just uncomfortable thinking about her past. So, you’re being a bit of a hypocrite. This is normal, but it’s also irrational. The issue here is with you, not her.
Now, let’s move onto the second question, which is whether she’s ready for monogamy. This is a valid concern. However, you’re approaching it the wrong way. You’re making assumptions based on limited information. This is a mistake.
Consider how little you know about her. You knew her in college as a party girl, but beyond that, you know nothing. You might be missing a lot of context. Maybe she was rebelling against a strict upbringing, or maybe she didn’t enjoy the party lifestyle as much as you think. Maybe she loved it, but she’s moved on. The point is, you don’t know her feelings about her past, which is what really matters here.
Furthermore, you’re assuming that people who are promiscuous in their youth never change. This is not always the case. As people age, they often realize that there’s more to life than casual flings. I can attest to this from personal experience.
In summary, you’re making assumptions based on limited information. This is a common issue in relationships. We often forget how little we know about others. You’re drawing conclusions that may not be grounded in reality.
There’s a better approach. If you want to know if she’s ready for a long-term, exclusive relationship, just ask her. She’s the best source of information. Have a conversation about it. If you’re unsure how to start, say something like, “I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I think we should discuss our relationship expectations.”
It’s trendy to be nonchalant and avoid expressing your desires, but this is not a good strategy. It’s important to ensure you and your partner want the same things. Having an awkward conversation is better than spending nights worrying about your future together. Ultimately, you need to stop overthinking and start communicating with the woman in front of you.
Need some dating advice? Email the Dating Guru at [email protected].
We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.Ok
