Begin by considering your partner’s desires. Whether it’s planning a romantic evening at The Beaumont or simply remembering to pay the parking meter, it’s important to pay attention to the details. However, if you find yourself in the middle of the act and realize that your rhythms are not aligning, what should you do?
A reliable strategy is to focus on her clitoris. You can do this by adjusting your thrusting pattern so that your pelvis rubs against her, or by slowing down your pace to a point where you can accurately use your thumb. This same level of precision should be applied to other acts such as nipple pinching, spanking, or a wet finger pressing against her backside. Half-hearted attempts are beneath you – either do it well or not at all.
If you find yourself in a position where the above strategies are not feasible, control your pace. When she’s nearing climax, unless she enjoys the female equivalent of the vinegar strokes – a highly sensitive state where she’s writhing, begging, and bucking beneath you, in which case don’t change a thing – you might be able to find a steady, deep rhythm that you can sustain for a while and that will drive her wild.
Alternatively, you might want to stop all action and tease only the very entrance of her vagina (where the most nerve endings are) with the tip of your penis. This can be a game-changer.
Another approach is to engage her mind. Tell her how aroused you are, how incredibly hot she is, how she is your everything, or how she’s a naughty girl who is unworthy of your royal manhood. Words can be a powerful tool.
consider introducing some contrasting sensations: during intense, rough sex, take a moment to gently kiss the nape of her neck; during tender, intimate missionary, firmly grasp her buttocks, letting her feel the point of your nails. Enjoy.
How well do you treat each other in your relationship? Sure, you might share household chores and cook meals together, but what extra steps do you take to make each other feel special? If you’re worried that you’re not doing enough, don’t rush out to buy a last-minute gift. Instead, consider starting a new tradition: date night.
Understanding Date Night
Date night is a dedicated time slot in your schedule for you and your partner to enjoy each other’s company. It’s a time for just the two of you (or more, if you’re into that) to focus solely on your relationship. No kids, no friends, no third wheels allowed.
What Constitutes a Good Date Night?
While spontaneity can be exciting, it’s not always practical. Your calendar is probably filled with tentative plans that often fall through. It’s surprisingly difficult to find free time, and if your date night becomes a chore, it loses its appeal. By setting a specific night each week for date night, you create a non-negotiable commitment to each other. It’s a bond that can’t be broken or rescheduled. It’s date night.
Can Date Night Happen at Home?
While it’s possible to have a date night at home, it’s important to make it feel different from a regular evening. Maybe you could decorate the living room with fairy lights and enjoy a pampering session together. However, ideally, you should venture outside your home. Exceptions include a lavish home-cooked meal that took all day to prepare or a special intimate evening. Remember, staying in and being intimate should not be the only form of date night.
Is Going to the Pub Enough?
Just going to the pub might not be the most imaginative date night idea. Sure, you can go to the pub, but it might come across as a bit lazy. Exceptions include a fancy cocktail bar or a pub in a new location that’s part of a multi-event date night. Essentially, the pub visit should be a part of a bigger plan.
What About Dining Out?
Dining out can be a great date night idea, but it needs to be special. Will this dinner spark new conversations and help you see each other in a new light? Are you trying a new restaurant, or is the food exceptional? If so, great! But if it’s just a regular dinner out, save it for another night. Unless it’s a new experience or a special treat, it’s not a date night.
What If We Enjoy These Activities?
That’s great, but the point of date night is to do something different from your usual routine. If you don’t distinguish between date night and regular activities, you risk retroactively labeling any activity as a date night.
For example, if you ask, “What are we doing for date night this week?” and the response is, “Well, we went for a pint at the Dog & Divorcée and got a takeaway on Tuesday, didn’t we? Shall we say that was date night?” then you’re missing the point of setting aside special time for each other.
6 Steps to Transform ‘Friends With Benefits’ Into a Genuine Relationship
Starting a sexual relationship with a close friend might seem like a great idea initially. After all, who better to meet your sexual needs than someone you trust and feel comfortable with?
However, as many movies have shown us, one person often develops feelings in such arrangements.
So, what happens when you realize you want more than just a casual fling? How can you convert your friends-with-benefits (FWB) situation into a committed relationship?
Firstly, know that you’re not alone in this predicament. Studies indicate that about 25% of people in a FWB relationship secretly wish for it to evolve into something more serious.
“Human emotions are intricate and often unpredictable,” says Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counselor, certified sexuality educator, and clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching. “Engaging in physical intimacy triggers the release of hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which can intensify feelings of attachment and bonding.”
RELATED: Brain Chemicals That Fuel Your Sex Life
The encouraging news? Lee asserts that a FWB arrangement can indeed develop into a genuine relationship.
“The key lies in mutual feelings and a shared willingness to transition,” Lee informs AskMen.
Michael Sartain, a dating and performance coach and founder of Men of Action, believes that a genuine friendship with benefits can be a healthy starting point for a relationship, given the common interests and genuine care for each other.
RELATED: Benefits of Being Friends With Someone Before Dating
So, how do you make this transition? Here are some expert-recommended strategies for smoothly transitioning from FWB to a committed relationship.
1. Spend Time Together in Date-Like Situations
Before having a direct conversation about your feelings, subtly set the stage by spending quality time together.
“Create opportunities to know each other beyond the bedroom,” suggests Sandra Myers, co-founder and president at Select Date Society.
Lee advises planning activities that could be interpreted as dates, like a sunset hike, a picnic in the park, dinner at a new restaurant, or attending a local band’s performance.
This approach serves two purposes: It allows you to connect on an emotional level and discover shared interests and values. It also gives your friend a glimpse into what dating you might be like.
2. Offer Emotional Support
The primary difference between a casual fling and a romantic partner is emotional support.
Being there for your friend when they need you is one of the best ways to show your interest in a serious relationship, says Sofie Roos, a relationship therapist and licensed sexologist at Passionerad.
This could involve:
Listening to them vent after a hard day at work
Doing them a small favor during a busy week
Planning a fun day to distract them during a tough time
Checking in on them after a job interview or exam
Offering to accompany them to a family event or memorial service
3. Engage in Non-Sexual Physical Contact
Another key difference between a FWB relationship and a serious romantic relationship is the type of physical intimacy involved. In a FWB situation, most of the physical contact is purely sexual. That’s why Roos recommends finding opportunities for non-sexual physical contact.
Start with small gestures like briefly touching their knee or shoulder while laughing at their joke. Gradually, you can progress to more intimate gestures like a lingering hug.
“Try to hold their hand while driving and observe their reaction,” suggests Roos.
If they pull away or seem surprised, it could indicate that they were caught off guard by the unexpected intimacy or that they’re not ready for that level of affection from you. Either way, it’s useful information for moving forward.
4. Initiate “The Talk”
Eventually, you may need to be more direct with your FWB.
RELATED: How to Define a Relationship Without Ruining It
The more time you spend with them, the more attached you’re likely to become. Having an open and honest conversation about your feelings can prevent misunderstandings and save both of you time if you’re not on the same page.
Lee and Sartain suggest saying something like,
“I’ve been really enjoying our time together lately, and I’d love to explore the possibility of a more serious relationship if you’re open to it. How do you feel?”
You could also ask a question to gauge their feelings:
“Have you ever wondered if we could be more than friends with benefits?”
or
“Sometimes I find myself picturing what it would be like to have a serious relationship with you. I feel like we’re pretty compatible. Do you ever think about that?”
5. Exercise Patience
“Understand that transitioning from FWB to a serious relationship takes time,” says Lee. “Allow your friend to process their feelings and give the relationship space to grow naturally.”
Assure your friend that there’s no pressure to make a decision immediately. Demonstrating patience and understanding can further show what a caring partner you can be, thereby increasing the chances of them considering a romantic relationship.
“And continue to be the best version of yourself,” adds Myers. “Be confident and positive! When you’re fun to be around, your FWB partner will naturally want to spend more time with you.”
6. Respect Their Feelings (or Lack Thereof)
In an ideal world, your friend will share your desire to transition to a meaningful long-term relationship. But it’s important to be prepared for the possibility that they don’t.
Lee suggests responding with grace and empathy — for example, by saying,
“I understand and appreciate your honesty. While I have developed deeper feelings, I respect your perspective.”
“Maintaining self-respect and ensuring that your needs are acknowledged and valued should always be a priority,” adds Lee.
With that in mind, you’ll need to get honest with yourself about whether you’re emotionally capable of maintaining the friendship — or whether you need to take a step back to protect your feelings.
Myers recommends asking yourself if your needs are being met, or if you’re still merely holding out hope for something more — in which case you’re only prolonging the torture.
“Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial here,” says Lee. “This includes setting limits on how often you see each other and the types of activities you engage in.”
As Roos points out, telling your FWB that you want more is always a risk. But that doesn’t mean it’s a risk that isn’t worth taking — quite to the contrary.
Yes, it might get a bit awkward or uncomfortable if they aren’t on the same page. But on the off chance that your friend does feel the same way, why would you miss out on that incredible opportunity to pursue a more serious relationship?
Life is too short to try and bury your feelings in the interest of avoiding pain — and experts agree there’s nothing more painful than wondering what could have been.
When you see relationships crumbling around you, it can feel like an achievement to stay committed, especially when there are countless alternatives just a swipe away. Staying together and celebrating those significant anniversaries has its perks – you share your life with someone who truly understands you and, presumably, tolerates all your quirks. However, longevity in a relationship also has its challenges. A relationship can’t remain in the honeymoon phase forever and, as strong as your bond may be, it can be tough to accept the gradual fading of the sexual attraction that initially brought you together. You may still love, cherish, and even desire them, but the spark between you can fade – your needs and desires evolve over time and, sometimes, this can occur at a different pace from your partner’s own growth.
Does this signify the end? Does a lack of sexual compatibility or a decrease in passion mean it’s time to part ways and fight for the dog’s custody? Or is it possible to work through it?
Psychotherapist Lucy Beresford believes it doesn’t have to be catastrophic, but it can’t be overlooked. “Sex, and being sexually compatible, are vital elements of maintaining a healthy and satisfying relationship,” she says. “That’s why, if there is a mismatch, it needs to be addressed before dissatisfaction or other issues arise. If you feel sexually incompatible with your partner, just like any other aspect of a relationship, with some effort, you can get back on track.”
If your sex life has become somewhat stagnant, here are some strategies to reignite the flame.
Communication is key
Admitting to having a problem in the bedroom can be difficult and, for some, discussing sex never loses its awkwardness. However, it’s crucial to prevent resentment from building up. Beresford advises, “Though conversations about sex can be challenging – and it’s very tempting to avoid the discomfort altogether – it’s important to be honest with your partner about your feelings.”
After five years of marriage, Martin* felt the need to address the issue that their sex life was non-existent and when it did happen, it felt like a chore. “I didn’t want to blame her or make it seem like it was her fault,” says Martin. “So we took a weekend trip and I expressed my love for her and shared my feelings, wondering if she felt the same. When she admitted she did, it was a relief to have the conversation started.”
Maintain a positive and confident attitude
It’s natural to feel down when your sex drive decreases, but the best way to address a problem is to be as prepared as possible. Ensure you have ample energy and are taking care of yourself. Avoid resorting to alcohol or comfort food to cope. Prioritize regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient rest. If you feel good about yourself, you can concentrate on the main issue. Neglecting self-care or indulging in self-pity will only distract from the real problem. Being in the best condition possible will boost your confidence and, according to Beresford, if you’re content with yourself, “This will naturally seep into your relationship.” In other words, don’t try to solve this issue by getting drunk, arguing with your partner, and then having make-up sex. This is merely a temporary solution to a deep-seated problem, with the added disadvantage of a hangover the next day.
Consider their needs – and your own
The reality is that effort is required. When we get comfortable in a relationship, we often forget that passion and desire are just as important as security and companionship.
With the advent of marriage equality in Northern Ireland, the focus now shifts to the exciting yet nerve-wracking task of planning a wedding. However, before the wedding comes the proposal. In recent times, proposals have evolved from simple, intimate affairs to grand spectacles involving flash mobs, fireworks, and large audiences. The type of proposal you choose depends on your personal preferences and what you believe suits you best. If you desire social media fame and potential sponsorship for your wedding, then go for it. After all, it’s your wedding, not mine.
It’s important to remember that despite the legalization of civil partnerships in 2005 and marriage equality in 2014, proposing to a man as a man may feel unfamiliar or strange. This is understandable given that most of our early exposure to love stories involves heterosexual couples. Fairytales rarely feature two princes or princesses riding off into the sunset together. Despite changes in the law, same-sex couples still face unique challenges and lack certain opportunities.
Consider this scenario: a man proposes to his girlfriend in a restaurant, she says yes, and they seal the deal with a passionate kiss. The crowd around them is likely to cheer. However, two men kissing in public may not receive the same reaction. Before you even get to societal norms, there are practical considerations to keep in mind when planning to propose to your partner.
Is he ready for marriage?
Proposals can be high-pressure situations for potential grooms. Have you discussed his views on marriage? Maybe you think he’s just waiting for you to pop the question. There are many reasons why some men might not want to get married. While surprise proposals are increasingly popular, it’s crucial to discuss the possibility of marriage beforehand. This way, you avoid the risk of a negative reaction, especially if you’re filming the proposal. Timing is everything, so make sure you’re both on the same page. Open communication about marriage and what it means to both of you is key.
What type of proposal would he prefer?
While a marriage involves two people, a proposal also involves two people but in different roles. Your wishes are important, but if you’re the one proposing, you need to prioritize your partner’s preferences. Consider why you’re proposing and what it means to both of you. If you’re outgoing and active on social media but your partner is more introverted, maybe keep the proposal private. Familiar surroundings can help make him more comfortable and excited. Always ensure you’re in a safe environment, free from potential bigotry. This is your special moment, and you should focus on that.
The Engagement Rings
When it comes to engagement rings, there’s no set rule for same-sex couples. You could buy matching rings, choose non-matching rings together after the proposal, or even exchange watches for the engagement and save the rings for the wedding day. The important thing is to have something to give during the proposal. However, don’t feel pressured to spend a certain amount on the ring. The cost of the ring doesn’t determine the depth of your love.
Who should be present?
While you know your partner best, it’s advisable to involve as few people as possible in the proposal. A large crowd can reduce intimacy and add pressure. If you want a group celebration, consider having an engagement party instead. Keeping the proposal private also gives your partner the chance to say no without feeling pressured.
The Proposal Ritual
Avoid clichés like hiding the ring in a dessert. It’s a choking hazard and quite outdated. If you want to involve restaurant staff, simply tip them to bring champagne at the right time. Getting down on one knee is optional. The most important thing is to speak from the heart and let the moment guide you. If you mess up or end up crying, that’s okay. Just tell your partner how much you love him and let destiny handle the rest.
Further Reading:
Surviving as the Last Bachelor
Going Out Alone as a Man
Public Displays of Affection: A Guide on When It’s Okay to Show Affection in Public
Even in the most fulfilling relationships, we’ve all taken that extra time to perfect our appearance or added an extra spritz of cologne, all in an effort to impress someone. It’s a natural human instinct to want to be admired and attractive to others. This not only boosts our self-esteem but also opens up opportunities. In a digital age, this desire to impress is even more pronounced. We carefully curate our Instagram feeds with flattering photos and craft witty posts on social media, all in the hopes of garnering likes and admiration. However, there’s a fine line between wanting to be admired and inciting sexual desire. This is where the concept of micro-cheating comes into play.
Micro-cheating is a subtle form of infidelity that you might not even realize you’re engaging in. It could be a lingering glance at a party while your partner is preoccupied, sucking in your stomach when an attractive colleague walks by, or being overly friendly with the most attractive person in a meeting. While you might justify these actions as harmless, they can be seen as a form of deluxe flirting, with its own set of complications. It’s all about the intent and the desired outcome.
In the past, you might have given an attractive stranger a quick once-over before returning to your daily routine. However, with the advent of smartphones, the potential for micro-cheating has increased exponentially. A simple like on Instagram might seem innocent, but it can suggest a pattern of potential infidelity. Are you consistently liking the same type of photos? Are the subjects of these photos fully clothed? Are you focusing your attention on one or two profiles? If so, you might be guilty of micro-cheating.
Even if you’re in an exclusive relationship, do you still have dating apps on your phone? Do you still swipe through profiles? Even if you haven’t had the “let’s delete the apps” conversation, if you consider yourself committed, you shouldn’t be exploring other options. What’s your end goal? If someone likes your profile, what does that mean? What’s the next step? Do you start messaging, convincing yourself it’s just harmless fun? If so, you might be crossing the line into micro-cheating.
Ending a relationship often involves certain rituals, such as returning an engagement ring or deciding whether to ask for the return of expensive gifts. In the past, separating couples would divide their shared CD and DVD collections. While technology has eliminated this practice, it has introduced a new aspect to the breakup process: dealing with intimate photos shared between partners.
Sharing intimate photos, or “nudes,” has become a common part of modern relationships. They can add an element of excitement to a relationship and help maintain a connection in long-distance relationships. From poorly lit explicit photos to carefully composed artistic images, it’s likely that many people have at least one such photo on their phone. These photos can pose a security risk, as demonstrated by data leaks that have exposed celebrities’ intimate photos. However, we often don’t consider who has access to our intimate photos until we want to end that access.
The act of sending intimate photos is complex. Often, these photos are sent willingly, with the sender excited by the idea of the recipient viewing them. Sometimes, they are sent as a result of manipulation or as a test of loyalty. Regardless of how they are sent, these photos carry an implicit contract of trust. Taking a photo of oneself in a vulnerable state is an intimate act; sharing it with someone else requires courage. It’s important to remember that any intimate photos you receive are not your property; they belong to the person in the photo. You have been given access to this intimate aspect of their life, but you do not own it.
Breakups can be difficult, especially when they are contentious. This can complicate the issue of who has possession of intimate photos. We might feel entitled to keep our ex’s photos because they were shared with us during an intimate period of our lives. However, what purpose does keeping these photos serve once the relationship has ended? Along with distancing on social media, returning each other’s belongings, and agreeing not to speak ill of each other, deleting intimate photos should be an automatic response to a breakup. This should not require a request from either party.
Consider the following conversation:
“Now that we’ve broken up, could you please delete my intimate photos?”
“Well, I was hoping to keep them.”
This sounds absurd because it is. What legitimate reason could you have for keeping an ex’s intimate photos? What would you do with them? You will always have your memories of the relationship, so why do you need photographic evidence of their body? Using a photo of someone who no longer wants a sexual relationship with you for sexual gratification is strange and invasive. Despite this, research by specialist abuse lawyers Bolt Burdon Kemp found that one in ten Brits had no intention of deleting their ex’s intimate photos after a breakup. Of those surveyed, 40% admitted to keeping intimate photos of their ex for more than a month after the breakup. Men were more likely to keep these photos than women, with 46% of men and 32% of women admitting to this. This is a behavior that needs to change.
Has the recent global upheaval caused you to reassess your priorities? Are things that once seemed crucial now trivial? Conversely, are you now prioritizing things that were previously insignificant or not even on your radar? The pandemic has forced many of us to reevaluate our lives, whether we’re fortunate enough to have the time to reflect or are struggling to regain control after Covid’s disruption. This period of uncertainty has left us questioning our next steps and how to move forward. The impact of individual traumas will persist, and adjusting to life post-Covid will require collective adaptation. With our usual routines disrupted, we’ve had ample time to contemplate our desires and needs. Should we return to our lengthy commutes, relocate to a different town, or even consider a lifestyle change like vegetarianism or a new fitness regime? This period has sparked countless personal revelations, akin to a bonus New Year’s Day.
Single individuals, particularly those in the dating scene, are no strangers to these revelations. They regularly reassess their lives, triggered by breakups, disappointments, or dating mishaps. Each experience prompts a reevaluation and adjustment of their dating criteria. However, dating in the post-pandemic world seems to be more proactive and introspective, with individuals more willing to take risks and venture beyond their usual preferences. Marine Ravinet, Head of Trends at dating app Happn, notes a significant shift in singles’ approach to dating. “We can see a change in what’s important to daters now, compared to this time last year,” says Ravinet. “Singles have had the chance to reflect on their experiences, whether they’ve wanted to or not.”
Has the pandemic caused you to reconsider your specific ”type”? Some preferences, like height, remain steadfast for many. Before Covid, nearly a third of Happn users stated that height was a non-negotiable factor, and this hasn’t changed during the pandemic. Other physical attributes may also be hard to disregard, but attitudes towards body shape may be more flexible. The lockdown has affected us all differently, with some focusing on fitness, others letting their bodies be, and some realizing there are more important things than their jeans size. This could lead to a shift in preferences, with some daters seeking a partner with a perfect physique, while others may become more accepting of diverse body shapes. If anything, the pandemic should have taught us to be less judgmental about appearances.
Interestingly, one unexpected factor that has gained importance in the post-Covid dating scene is eye color. The pandemic has sparked an increased appreciation for all shades of eyes, with 17.5% of Happn’s users stating that eye color is a dealbreaker, a 12% increase from pre-Covid times. This newfound fascination with eye color could be attributed to the increased time spent behind masks, relying on eye contact for emotional connection, or the countless hours spent on video calls. Regardless of the reason, it seems that the allure of captivating eyes has become more prominent in the dating world.
There’s no denying the allure of nostalgia, especially in today’s digital era. From classic TV reruns to music throwbacks and the resurgence of past fashion trends, we’re constantly reminded of yesteryears. However, when it comes to relationships, we often resist the pull of the past, choosing to leave ex-partners behind and focus on moving forward. But what if we chose to revisit these relationship-insights-from-a-relationship-psychologist-on-identifying-maximiser-behavior/” title=”Are You Settling in Your Relationship? Insights from a Relationship Psychologist on Identifying 'Maximiser' Behavior”>past relationships?
Unless you’ve been completely disconnected from the internet, you’re probably aware of the recent rekindling of the early 2000s romance between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, famously known as “Bennifer”. Their reunion, 17 years after their initial breakup, has sparked a flurry of headlines and raised questions about the feasibility of stepping back in time in our relationships.
It’s understandable why some might be tempted to reignite old flames, particularly after the rollercoaster of recent years. We often romanticise our past, recalling a time when life seemed simpler and more carefree. However, it’s important to remember that our memories can be selective, focusing on the highlights and glossing over the challenges. If life has become more complex with age, it’s natural to seek ways to recapture the magic of the past. Reconnecting with an ex-partner might seem like a simple way to do this, but emotionally, it could be a different story.
For those who have been single for a while or stuck in an unfulfilling relationship, the idea of revisiting a past relationship can be appealing. Over time, the reasons for a breakup can become less significant, and the positive aspects of the relationship may take centre stage. Perhaps you weren’t ready for each other back then, or external factors that once caused conflict are no longer relevant. However, it’s crucial to have an honest conversation with yourself and your ex-partner about the potential challenges of reuniting.
If you’ve had a string of unsuccessful relationships, it’s easy to idealise your last good one. But according to psychologist Philip Karahassan, revisiting a past relationship could lead to the re-emergence of old issues, trapping you in a cycle of unhealthy behaviours. “When you end up in this vicious cycle, you’re putting your own mental health further by the wayside and can start to forget what your real emotional needs are,” warns Karahassan. “If you go back to familiarity each time, you’re not learning from these failures, you’re simply trying again with the same failed ending in sight.”
The Negative Impact of ‘Toxic Positivity’ on Relationships and How to Counteract It
There’s a common adage that you can have too much of a good thing, and optimism is no exception.
This overabundance of positivity is referred to as “toxic positivity,” and it can be incredibly frustrating when someone attempts to dismiss your feelings of sadness, disappointment, or pain.
At times, all you need is someone to acknowledge your struggle, rather than encouraging you to keep a stiff upper lip or reminding you of your blessings.
Moreover, research indicates that suppressing emotions can lead to increased psychological stress. Therefore, even if your intentions are good, it’s crucial to remember that dismissing someone’s feelings can cause real harm.
RELATED: Strategies for Men to Enhance Their Emotional Intelligence
So, what exactly is toxic positivity? How can you identify it and prevent it from damaging your relationship? We consulted licensed therapists to gain insights into this detrimental habit. Here’s what you need to know.
Understanding Toxic Positivity
Dr. Jamie Huysman, a trauma-certified psychologist and licensed clinical social worker at WellMed Medical Management, describes toxic positivity as: “the overuse and ineffective application of a happy, optimistic state across all situations.”
“This mindset rejects and denies any negative emotions, replacing them with a false positive front,” he elaborates.
RELATED: The Role of ‘Solve Languages’ in Enhancing Your Relationship
Huysman explains that toxic positivity can manifest in various relationships, including romantic partnerships, families, friendships, and even professional settings.
Examples of Toxic Positivity
According to Kristie Tse, a psychotherapist and the founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling, the following phrases exemplify toxic positivity when someone is going through a challenging time:
KC Hespeler, owner/psychotherapist at Shoreline Therapy, asserts that while positivity is generally beneficial for mental health, toxic positivity involves dismissing or invalidating the normal, healthy experience and expression of so-called ‘negative emotions’ which are crucial to feel and process.
Experiencing sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger is part of being human. Many of us struggle to “hold space” for these emotions, even for our loved ones. When we see our partner experiencing these emotions, we often feel compelled to “fix” them and improve their mood.
While responding with positivity may seem harmless, it can convey the message that it’s not acceptable for them to express their feelings. If your aim is to help them overcome their pain, then responding with toxic positivity can actually have the opposite effect, according to Jenny Flora Wells, an associate clinical social worker and holistic therapist.
“Attempting to think our way out of feeling can intensify the messages from the body and mind in the long run,” she notes.
The primary issue with toxic positivity is that it dismisses genuine emotions, says Tse. Wells adds that toxic positivity can even be perceived as gaslighting.
“It can make someone feel like their lived experience isn’t valid,” she tells AskMen. “And when we are invalidated, it can be difficult to connect in the future for fear of being shamed for how we feel.”
Tse highlights that dismissing your partner’s emotions may leave them feeling unheard, misunderstood, or worse, uncared for. In the future, they may be more likely to suppress their true feelings and maintain a facade of happiness. Alternatively, they may start to harbor resentment toward you due to feeling their emotions aren’t valued or respected.
RELATED: Effective Communication Strategies for Dating
Many of us yearn for a deep connection with our partners, says Wells — which often stems from sharing our uncomfortable emotions and experiences.
“If we feel like we can’t share these things with our partner without being told to feel a certain way, it can hinder future opportunities of fostering that connection together,” she tells AskMen.
Strategies to Counteract Toxic Positivity
If you find that you tend to respond to your partner with toxic positivity, here are some expert suggestions for alternative approaches.
Firstly, Wells recommends examining why you feel compelled to resort to toxic positivity.
Is it because your parents never acknowledged your negative emotions while growing up, thereby implying that it’s not acceptable to feel these emotions? Is it because you lack emotional boundaries and tend to absorb your partner’s feelings, making it uncomfortable for you to empathize with their sadness or anger?
RELATED: Indicators of a Co-Dependent Relationship
Understanding what’s driving your toxic positivity can be beneficial as you strive to break this habit.
The next time your partner shares a personal struggle, Hespeler suggests asking them:
“What would be most helpful for you right now? Would you like me to suggest a solution or do you just need to vent?”
This approach prevents you from making assumptions about the type of support they need and reduces the risk of inadvertently dismissing or minimizing their feelings.
“Strive to provide validation and empathy,” advises Huysman.
Here are some examples of alternative, validating responses, according to Tse:
“It’s OK to feel sad about this — I’m here for you in whatever way you need,” instead of “Just stay positive.”
“That sounds really tough, would you like to talk more about it?” instead of “It could have been worse.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” instead of “You’ll be fine.”
Handling Toxic Positivity
If your partner is the one exhibiting toxic positivity, experts recommend openly communicating that their responses aren’t helpful.
“I always suggest the assertiveness script when communicating with our partner,” says Wells. “It helps us maintain a neutral stance and express how we feel rather than resorting to accusatory language.”
Here’s the script:
“I feel [insert emotion: overwhelmed, ignored, disrespected, sad, etc.] when you [example of toxic positivity]. What I need from you is [alternative response or behavior change].”
This gentle, non-accusatory approach is far less likely to put them on the defensive.
You could also acknowledge a time when they did meet your emotional needs rather than resorting to toxic positivity. For example:
“Hey, I really appreciated it when you patiently listened to me talk about how frustrated I am with my boss right now. Just so you know, that’s just what I needed. I would love it if you could try to keep doing that.”
This is known as positive reinforcement. Instead of pointing out the behavior you want to avoid (toxic positivity), you’re emphasizing the positive behavior you want to see more of. This approach has two advantages: It’s unlikely that your partner will feel attacked (meaning they won’t get defensive), and it can be highly motivating.
“You might say something like,
‘I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate your support, but sometimes, when I’m upset, I just need to feel heard and understood. It would mean a lot if you could just listen and acknowledge my feelings.’”
adds Huysman. “Ensuring the conversation is non-confrontational and focused on mutual understanding can help your partner understand the impact of their words and adjust their approach.”
The most crucial thing to remember?
“That no emotion is inherently bad or wrong,” says Hespeler. “They are all important and can teach us about ourselves and the world.”
