Reasons Women Delay Engaging in Sexual Activity by Lisa
Understanding Why Some Women Prefer to Delay Sex (And How to Respectfully Handle This)
You’ve recently begun dating someone. You’re attracted to her and are eager to take your relationship to a physical level. Everything seems to be progressing smoothly until she expresses her desire to wait before engaging in sexual activities.
This conversation might arise during a date or after an intense makeout session. While you respond with empathy and respect, you may feel slightly disappointed or curious about her reasons. You might also be unsure about how to discuss this topic respectfully.
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This article explores why some women prefer to delay sex and provides guidance on how to respectfully handle such situations.
Why Some Women Choose to Delay Sex
It’s important to avoid generalizations. Women, like men, have diverse views on sex and individual preferences.
However, in a society where gender plays a significant role, women often face unique challenges that may influence their decision to delay sex with a new partner.
“Women who choose to wait are not necessarily being prudish, mean, or playing games,” explains Nicole Prause, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and founder of Liberos. “They are making informed decisions based on the information you provide during dates about your safety and their potential pleasure with you.”
This doesn’t imply that your new romantic interest thinks you’re bad in bed, isn’t attracted to you, or feels unsafe around you. However, it does suggest that she may want to take her time to build more trust.
1. They May Anticipate Less Pleasure Than You
“If you are having sex with women, the likelihood they will climax during their first sexual encounter with you is small,” says Prause, referring to the ‘orgasm gap.’”
Remember, this isn’t necessarily a reflection of your perceived abilities in the bedroom, but could be a result of previous unsatisfying encounters or negative experiences with men.
If she’s had selfish lovers in the past, she might not view a hookup with a man she doesn’t know well yet as enjoyable as a man might. As Prause explains, when women decide whether to engage in sexual activities, they are balancing “serious concerns with a lower likelihood of pleasure than most men are.”
2. They May Be Conscious of Seeming ‘Too Easy’
Appearing “too easy” is also a potential concern. Historically, women have been shamed and judged for embracing their sexuality. While messages like “don’t give it up too quickly” or “why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free” are outdated and problematic, they can still influence women’s decisions about sex.
“Society’s stigma of having sex ‘too quickly’ has a strong negative connotation that many women feel shame around,” says Christina Bradley, a senior associate therapist at Gateway to Solutions.
There are even dating rules like the “90-day rule,” which suggests that a woman should wait at least 90 days before having sex with a man. These rules are based on the notion that men don’t value women who sleep with them too quickly.
Because of these societal pressures, a woman might sexually desire you yet choose to wait to avoid being perceived in a certain way. Ironically, the more she likes you, the more concerned she might be about what you’ll think if she has sex with you too soon.
3. They May Be Concerned About Unplanned Pregnancy
Fears of unplanned pregnancy may also contribute to the decision to delay sex.
“The possibility of unplanned pregnancy makes many women fearful, hesitant, or at minimum need to do very complex calculations about sex at any given time,” says Carol Queen, Good Vibes staff sexologist. “This has gotten exponentially worse for many as abortion and even Plan B and birth control are at risk for women in many states in the U.S.”
Even with access to reproductive health care, an unplanned pregnancy with someone you barely know is a stressful situation. Women often bear the burden of birth control – and with that burden can come a tendency to hesitate before having sex with a new partner.
4. They May Be Concerned About STI Transmission
Similarly, the risk of STI transmission is another factor that women may consider before deciding to have sex with you. It’s not a minor concern – according to the CDC, 1 in 5 people in the U.S. have an STI. Anyone who is sexually active can get or spread one, especially considering that some infections can be asymptomatic. This risk increases if you have multiple sexual partners.
Women may be acutely aware of these risks. A Cosmopolitan survey revealed that nearly half of women (47 percent) reported that none of their past partners asked about their STI testing results before sex. The survey also revealed that women are more likely than men to have been tested in the past year (58 percent of women versus 33 percent of men).
While condoms significantly reduce the risk of contracting an STI, they are not foolproof. Some women may choose to wait until you establish trust and sexual exclusivity before sleeping with you — or they may want to ask that you both get tested before having sex.
5. They May Be Concerned About Sexual Violence
“A woman’s risk of being assaulted by a man is many times higher than the risk of the reverse,” says Prause.
Unfortunately, sexual violence is prevalent. According to RAINN, 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape. CDC data also shows that 1 in 3 women experience sexual harassment in a public place.
While men can also be victims of sexual assault, the vast majority of victims are women (90%). Understandably, this factors into their thinking about sex, especially if they’ve experienced trauma in the past.
RELATED: How to Support Sexual Assault Survivors
6. They May Fear an Imbalance in Emotional Attachment
Some women are comfortable with casual sex. Others prefer to have sex with people they have an emotional connection with.
“Though this is a generalization and not a hard-and-fast rule, men can compartmentalize sexual encounters and women often incorporate their emotions in the act,” says licensed mental health counselor Mary Joye.
While this isn’t a statement that applies to all women — and men can certainly prefer emotionally connected sex too — some women are aware that if they sleep with a man, they’re likely to develop deeper feelings for him.
“Men may also disengage after physical intimacy, so there is a risk of losing the connection entirely,” adds Bradley.
In a hookup culture where many men are seeking casual sex rather than more meaningful relationships, if a woman is worried the man she’s seeing is unlikely to stick around if she starts to want more, it makes sense to adopt a ‘wait and see’ approach when it comes to sex.
As a result, these women may wait to assess whether the relationship gets more serious and see what his level of interest or commitment is before investing more.
7. They May Have Other Personal Reasons
People, regardless of gender, have various reasons for wanting to delay rushing into a sexual relationship with someone.
Some people choose to abstain from sex until marriage for religious reasons. Others have boundaries around sex and exclusivity. People who’ve never slept with anyone before might want to take things slow so they don’t end up regretting their first time.
RELATED: Factors to Consider Before Sleeping With a Virgin
There are numerous reasons, not necessarily connected to gender, that a woman might want to delay sex. Ultimately, though, no justification is needed. Sometimes you’re just at a point in your life or in a specific relationship when waiting to have sex feels like the best thing for you.
How to Approach the Topic If She Wants to Wait
If a woman you’re dating wants to delay or take it slow sexually, there are several ways you can approach her with care and consideration.
The most crucial thing is to avoid pressuring her and show her that you respect her decision. According to Prause, women often feel nervous about expressing their desire to delay sex. This hesitation can stem from a need to protect themselves against coercion or violence.
But it can also be because they like you and want you to reciprocate their feelings. Maybe they’re attracted to you and want to be sexual with you eventually — they’re just not ready yet. Perhaps they’re worried about how you’ll perceive them or react.
So, if your new partner tells you that she isn’t ready to have sex with you yet, understand that it might not have been easy for her to share. Your reaction — and your approach to physical intimacy after she discloses that she wants to wait — plays a role in determining how safe she feels with you.
“The No. 1 thing I believe men can do to respectfully navigate women’s preferences for initiating sex is to look for a no,” says Prause. “Men typically look only for ‘go’ signals. She said yes to kissing? She’ll probably let me touch her breasts, so I’ll try.”
Looking for stop signals, on the other hand, shows that you’re trustworthy and respectful — and interested in establishing safety and respecting her consent. For example, if she flinches when you try to touch her breasts, you can take note and stick to kissing unless she moves her hands back or explicitly tells you to try again.
RELATED: 6 Things That Don’t Constitute Consent (And 3 Things That Do)
“In summary, there are many reasons women may be hesitant to give you a strong no. You can be an ally by looking for, even soliciting, a no. When women feel safe to tell you their sexual desires, this is, by far, the best long-term strategy for establishing trust to share sexual desires in any sexual relationship with a woman,” adds Prause.
Finally, Prause advises against asking for a specific timeline: “While there occasionally may be women who have a number in mind, it is far more likely that she is waiting to feel secure, whatever that means to her, and you asking for a specific timing means you have no idea what she is experiencing.”
If sex early in a relationship is important to you and you no longer feel comfortable waiting, the right thing to do is to accept where she’s at and consider whether you want to continue the relationship or not.
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