Dating Experiences

MeToo: I Felt an Unspoken Expectation for a One-Night-Stand on a Date by Lisa

There⁤ are ⁢moments⁣ that replay in my mind, sometimes incessantly, other⁤ times they lie ‍dormant for months. One such memory is ⁣a morning I can’t⁣ seem⁤ to shake off. Images from ⁣that day flash before my eyes ‍like a bolt of lightning splitting the night sky. His hand on my throat, his breath, hot and foul, against my face. “I know ​you’re awake. Come on.”

I⁣ put myself in that situation. I bought‌ him drinks, hoping he’d find me attractive, flirted, and silently dared him to take me home. You‌ become the ⁣storyteller of your own horror story. What made you go back? Was it for a cup of coffee you never intended to drink? ⁣He let you sleep in his bed all night ⁢without touching you; ⁤you might as‍ well. You’re both men. Get on​ with it. ⁤So you stop pretending to be asleep and give ⁤in. All⁢ the ‍while, you convince yourself that you sent⁣ the wrong ⁣signals, that you owe ⁣him⁤ something. Not to ‌mention, ⁢you’re unsure of what might‌ happen if ‌you refuse him again.⁤ No one else knows you’re here. Your confusion is⁣ so profound that you might ​even see him‌ again.

The moment you step into a man’s house, or let him into yours, a part of you wonders if this will be the end.⁤ Some ‌of us might be estranged from our families – more ‌susceptible, ⁤more trusting perhaps. ⁣We’ve heard stories of straight⁤ men pretending to be gay, luring us into a trap or serial killers preying on unsuspecting victims.

Gay men can easily disappoint each other. We ⁤expect better, believing⁤ that gay men should protect each other. So ⁤it’s devastating when a gay man ⁤turns out to be just like​ the others, those ⁣who oppressed us at school ‌or at the dinner table – untrustworthy, dangerous, heartless, a predator. When ⁣the threat comes from within our community, it’s a gut punch.

As a young gay man, ⁤you‌ may not recognize inappropriate behavior ⁢or, if you do, ​feel comfortable confronting it.⁢ While being gay ​is about more than just⁢ sex, ⁤coming out is a declaration of your ⁢sexual preference – this is the kind of sex you want and‍ now you’re free to explore. Men are expected to be sexually ⁤assertive; our libido is supposed to ⁢be always on. It’s thus not seen as‌ very masculine to complain⁣ about unwanted ​attention; there’s no⁤ such thing. The image ⁤of a ⁤gay⁢ man⁣ as an aging predator‍ is a⁢ stereotype ​used to scare children⁣ and dehumanize us, but there are ‍men of all ages who eagerly await the​ newest “crop”⁣ of men to come out or see a flash of innocence in ⁣us that they want​ for ⁣themselves.

While ⁣the circumstances ⁤and ⁢celebrity status‍ of the⁣ encounter may have been foreign,​ when Anthony Rapp spoke out about the⁤ aggressive, drunken advances made on⁣ him as a teenager ⁤by Hollywood A-lister Kevin Spacey, we felt his​ fear. Many of us have heard that ​door close and lock behind us, the hand on the small of our back and the ⁣would-be⁣ seductor’s⁤ soft⁣ purr – their seemingly charming spin⁢ flattering​ and confusing ‌us. Not taking no for an answer, offering validation‌ if⁤ we give in. Guys bullied ⁣for​ their sexuality ⁢in ⁢their younger‍ days may⁤ be so unused to kind words, doubting their self-worth, they may believe ‍it sincere rather than exploitative; maybe⁤ they’ve nobody on⁢ hand‌ to talk ‌to about⁣ what makes them uncomfortable. It’s the silence that​ traps us.

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Why the Third Date Matters by Lisa

Mastering the Third ‌Date: Essential Guidelines ⁤to Follow

First dates come with their own set of ‌rules⁢ to ensure success — sprucing up, punctuality, engaging your ⁤date in conversation, offering to foot the bill. If all goes well, you​ might ‌get a goodnight kiss, a first-date hookup,⁢ or ⁤an invitation ⁣for a second date.

But what ​happens when you move beyond ‍the first‍ date? ‍There’s undeniable⁤ chemistry, and ‌both of you have ⁣expressed ⁣interest in seeing each other ​again, but the relationship status remains unclear.

RELATED: Key Indicators of a Successful First Date You Should‌ Be Aware⁣ Of

The second date often clears up any uncertainty, but‌ sometimes, you might still be seeking answers as you approach the third date.

The third date is crucial. The rule of threes is deeply ingrained in human psychology; the concept of‍ “three ⁣strikes and you’re out”⁤ applies to more than just baseball.​ Most people can tolerate two mediocre dates, but‍ three? That’s pushing it. If you’re two dates in and still unsure about the relationship’s potential, the third date might be your last shot at making‌ it work. Here’s what ⁣you need to‍ know about third dates.


The Significance of the Third Date


1. Why the Third Date Stands Out

The first ‌date might seem high stakes, ⁢but subsequent dates can be more stressful if​ you’re ‍unsure about the other person’s feelings towards you.

“The third‍ date is the gateway to a relationship,” says dating coach Connell Barrett. “The first ​date is about assessing⁢ chemistry and mutual attraction. The second date gives ⁤you‌ a sense of how‍ comfortable you are together. By the third date, you⁤ should be⁤ able‍ to determine if you’re a good long-term fit. Think of the first⁣ few dates as a series of job‍ interviews: by ⁢the ‌third, you’ll know if⁢ you want the ‘job’ of being ‌in this potential relationship.”

By the third date, you should have a⁤ clear understanding of the opportunity at hand, what you can contribute, potential future challenges, and aspects of the relationship that you find enjoyable, fulfilling, or exciting.

“Engaging in interesting conversation‌ at a bar or restaurant is one thing,” says dating coach Laurel⁢ House, host of the “Man‍ Whisperer” podcast. “But who‍ are you (and they) ⁤really? The third and fourth dates are opportunities to delve deeper and truly get to know each other.

According to House, by the third date, you’re “no longer just ‌testing the waters.” “You’re genuinely interested and ready⁤ to start building trust, ​opening your heart (a little), letting your guard​ down, and exploring other facets of your personality,” she adds. “You’re presenting a more ⁤authentic you ‌— the fun, quirky, nerdy, spontaneous sides. You want to ensure mutual attraction, or else, why ‍continue?”

2. Navigating the Third Date

Despite the high​ stakes associated with the third date, it’s ‍important not to⁣ overthink it. After ‌all,⁣ this person has shown interest in seeing you three times. They’re likely not just being polite.

“By the third ​date, you’ve had a chance to get to know each other and relax,” says Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and ⁤author of “Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today.”

“If you’ve ‌made it‌ to the third date, something good is happening. You’ve learned a bit about your date’s interests,⁤ so focus on delighting them rather than impressing them.”

At this critical ‌juncture, Tessina suggests opting for an “inexpensive, intimate⁢ dining spot, or even a⁢ food truck or picnic.”

“The message you​ want to send is not that you’re trying to buy your date’s affections with expensive gestures, ‍but ‍that you want to get to know them in a ‌simple⁤ setting that encourages conversation ⁤and closeness,” she notes. “Intimacy (not sex) is the key.”

Barrett concurs with the ‍minimalist approach⁣ to the third date.

“I advise my clients: To impress,‌ do less,” he says. “I⁢ don’t mean ⁢not to try. Just don’t try too hard. Many guys feel the need to up⁣ their game ‌on big dates — to plan elaborate activities or spend a lot ⁤at a fancy restaurant. This can backfire, as⁤ trying⁤ too hard can come across as needy.

Instead, ‌he​ suggests using conversation as a means to impress.

“Don’t try harder. Go deeper,” he explains. “On the‌ third‍ date, try to connect over Big Life Stuff: careers, religion, wanting kids, ‍politics, your core⁤ values. When two people find that their Big Life Stuff aligns, it’s easier to move toward being a couple.”

3. Addressing Physical or Sexual Intimacy ⁢on the Third Date

If⁣ the first two dates have been relatively tame, don’t assume that the third date will ⁤necessarily heat up.

“When it comes to physical intimacy, the escalation ‍isn’t determined by the‍ dates, it’s determined by how you are ⁢feeling,” says House. ”If you don’t have that initial hit of⁣ hard chemistry, you might not want to get physically intimate immediately, and that’s OK. As your​ attraction grows,⁢ you will want to get intimate. […] But ​at least you want to have ⁤a real kiss by date ⁢3 so that‌ you ​can see if there is that spark‌ when you ‍kiss.”

RELATED: Top 10 First-Kiss Tips Every‍ Guy Should Know

Alternatively, if you do a little bit of kissing early on but then things cool down, that could be a⁢ sign that things aren’t going to work out between you.

“Many men get stuck on the ⁤same base for multiple dates,” says Barrett. “If you reached first base​ on date 1 and are still there two dates later,​ it can lead to the ‘friend zone.’⁢ The other person doesn’t feel things are ⁤progressing,⁤ so they ​lose interest.”

Regardless, since sexual chemistry can be a significant factor in a‌ relationship’s success, it’s not a bad idea to casually⁢ discuss sex with your​ date by the third time⁣ you see each other to understand their stance.

4. Dealing With a Third Date That Doesn’t Go Well

Not all third dates ⁤go well. If the first and/or second date were fantastic, the third date might not even feel like ⁢a date. ‍Instead, spending time together might lose‌ its formal quality where you need ⁣to impress each other.

On the flip side, the third ⁣date could be where things​ take a turn for the worse, and‌ there’s the possibility‌ that it just won’t work out. But how ⁢do you handle a‍ third-date⁣ flop?

“If‌ the third date is a bust but the first two went well, assume⁤ it ⁤was ⁤just ⁣an off night,”‍ advises Barrett. “It happens. Go for date 4. Treat it like a mulligan.”

According to Barrett, ‌a major red flag to watch out for “is when your first meet-up is ‌great, but dates 2 ⁢and 3 are duds.” ‍“This can mean that that first-date spark was just the thrill of meeting ‍someone new, and it turns out you’re not compatible as a couple,” he adds.

RELATED: Top 10 Early Relationship ⁣Red Flags

It’s‌ also ​possible‍ to ‌turn a bad date into⁢ a good one by⁢ not letting an awkward or disappointing situation get to you. Instead, make it something the two of you can ⁢laugh about.

“Maybe you get rained‌ on, the event was bad or called off, or the movie was terrible, but ⁤those ⁤things should be sources of shared laughter and good memories,” says Tessina. “If the conversation about a disappointing event‍ is better than ⁣the event, you’re doing fine. Hopefully, you’re not fighting⁤ or ​insulting each other. There’s no excuse for ‌bad behavior on the third date. Don’t let your expectations get the ‍best of you. Relax, calm down,⁤ and be in the moment.”

And that, ladies ‌and gentlemen, is how you navigate the third date.

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Why Are Throuples Increasingly Popular Among Gay Men? Str8Curious Explores by Lisa

Understanding Why Throuples ⁤are More Common Among Gay Men: 4 Key Reasons

Str8Curious is a regular AskMen column where lifestyle expert Joey Skladany, who is openly gay, addresses various queries from straight men‌ about ⁣sex, dating, and ⁣the LGBTQ+ community. He offers advice, dispels myths, and provides insights — from a gay perspective. ​If you​ have a question you’d like to submit for editorial consideration⁤ (your anonymity will be ​respected), feel free​ to contact Joey directly on Instagram or email him at [email protected]).

The⁢ Inquiry

I’m intrigued by the concept of throuples in⁤ the gay community.⁤ It appears​ to be quite prevalent, and I’m interested in understanding how⁢ this dynamic​ functions. Is it⁣ similar to what we see on Sister Wives? – Ted, Honolulu, HI

The Response

Well, Ted, it’s not as straightforward as you might think. While I personally wouldn’t engage in⁢ a multi-partner⁤ relationship due to my ⁣possessive and needy nature (self-awareness is key, right?), this arrangement works well for many gay men.

RELATED: What Does ⁣Being in a Throuple Feel Like? A Real-Life Triad Shares⁢ Their Experience

There are several reasons ⁣why individuals ⁤(not just gay men, but also straight,‍ bisexual, and pansexual people)​ might choose to be in a‌ throuple. Here are the most common ones:

1. It Can‌ Add Excitement to ⁤an Existing ‍Relationship

Introducing⁤ a third ​person into a long-standing⁤ relationship can provide a sense of sexual adventure without fully embracing polyamory, another common relationship style in the‌ gay community.

This arrangement allows ⁣a couple to explore⁢ new ‍emotional and physical connections while maintaining⁤ a‌ degree of exclusivity. It creates a safe and comfortable environment⁣ that is more exciting than traditional monogamy.

And ⁤no, it’s not usually like an episode of Sister Wives. Since all participants are attracted to men, there isn’t​ necessarily a central figure that the other two ⁤focus ⁣on. Time and attention are generally equally distributed among all three participants. They might just need to⁣ invest⁣ in a larger bed to accommodate the extra ⁢cuddling and intimacy.

2. Variety is Appealing to Some People

Society often promotes the idea of finding our ​one true love⁢ (or soulmate) and⁣ spending our entire lives with⁢ this person. ⁢However, this ⁢isn’t a realistic scenario ​for everyone.

The​ reality is that it ‌can be just as easy to fall in love with​ two people as it is with ‍one (which is why shows like The Bachelor are ‌so popular). ⁤Many gay men in throuples reject the ‌notion that they can ⁢only ​give their heart to one person.

Different partners offer different⁤ types ⁢of support and attraction, both physically‌ and emotionally. So why can’t⁤ you commit to two people at once? You certainly​ can, even⁢ if a three-person marriage isn’t legally recognized.

RELATED: Understanding⁤ Non-Monogamy: How Does ⁢It Work?

3. It’s ⁢More Economical

Sharing a mortgage among⁣ three people ​is more affordable than splitting it between two. While this shouldn’t be the ​only reason to enter a throuple, sharing expenses with‍ two other partners you love⁤ can enhance your quality of life.

RELATED: What Straight Men Can Learn From Gay Men About ​Non-Monogamy

Many ⁣gay throuples enjoy lavish ⁤vacations ⁢and⁤ invest in⁣ high-end items because the costs are shared. Whether it’s something‍ as simple as a T-shirt ‍or as luxurious as a ⁤BMW, it’s easier to afford anything when two others ⁣are sharing‍ the cost or contributing their own assets.

4. Queer ​People Have⁣ Always Done Things Their Own Way

After ​a lifetime ⁢of challenging ⁢societal⁤ expectations, we’ve decided to live life ‌on⁢ our own⁢ terms.

Some might see it as‌ an act of rebellion, but the truth is⁤ that after‌ spending so much time trying‌ to conform⁤ to societal norms,⁤ we’ve chosen to defy the traditional timeline and cultural norms imposed on us (like getting married in our 20s, having kids in our 30s, ​and experiencing a midlife crisis in our 40s).

To reclaim our time, independence, and freedom of choice, we’ve allowed ourselves the flexibility to satisfy our sexual, ‌emotional, and romantic needs in a way that suits us,⁤ not according to a prescribed plan. For many gay men, this means a long history of loving multiple partners ‍without shame.

RELATED: Why is Non-Monogamy Gaining Popularity?

Of course, a throuple isn’t⁣ for everyone. For it to work, there needs to be a fair and equal distribution of affection and⁣ attention,​ especially if a third person is joining an already established‍ couple.

But the increasing popularity of throuples isn’t ‌just a trend. They exist because‍ they allow ⁣many people to enjoy the⁤ benefits of ⁤a relationship without being tied to just one person.

While I, being ​a jealous person, am not inclined to share,‌ I ⁢can understand and appreciate why this dynamic might be ideal​ for those who ⁢challenge societal ‌norms and‍ don’t​ care about ‍others’ opinions of ⁣their relationship choices.

(And who am I to⁢ judge when I can’t even‍ find one guy to love me? Hats ‍off to those ⁤who can find two. ​Cue the crying emoji.)

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Reasons Women Find Sex with Married Men Appealing by Lisa

The Appeal of Married Men to Single Women

What is it ⁣that⁤ draws single (or ⁢even attached) women to married men, knowing full well that he is committed to ⁣another woman? It’s simple, it’s human nature to ⁣desire what someone else has, especially if ⁣it appears more appealing than what you currently possess.

A ⁣study by the University of Louisville suggests that many single women engage in a behavior known as “mate copying.” Essentially, these women believe that⁢ if another woman​ is pursuing or with a⁣ man, he must ⁤have qualities that are worth pursuing.

This phenomenon is common.⁤ When ⁢I’m out with male ⁤friends, whether at a club or a restaurant, women often start flirting with these men the moment they think I’m with them. Perhaps they feel the need to prove⁣ that ⁣they are‍ as attractive‌ as the woman they perceive to be with the man.

Perhaps these women are drawn to ⁢the challenge, the drama, ⁢the lack of commitment, or even the thrill ⁣of the ⁤forbidden. Regardless of the reason, many women have confessed that sex with attached men⁣ is often extraordinary.⁢ Why? Because these men are used to the same routine, and when these women ⁤offer them something different, ⁣it’s like introducing ‌them to a ​new, exotic ​dish.

The Thrill of Secrecy

Melanie, a 28-year-old executive in a large corporation, confesses that she ‍had an affair with a married colleague. “The sex ‌was exhilarating because we had to be discreet ‌all the time. The thrill of sneaking around during ⁣lunch⁣ breaks in the office⁤ supply room was ‍unlike any other sexual experience I’ve had.”

She admits it was exciting, until the relationship started to ⁣shift from lust to emotion. “I started acting possessively, and that’s when I knew it was time to end it.” But Melanie adds, ​”I know many ⁣women who not only enjoyed passionate relationships with married men, but they would take risks that I considered downright unethical.”

What did she consider unethical — this woman who chose to sleep ‍with a married man, a father of three? Her list included having sex in the married couple’s bed​ and engaging ⁤in unprotected sex.

Then there are the competitive‍ women…

The Element of Competition

“John would tell me about all the⁣ wild things he and‍ his wife used ⁤to do before they got married and had children,” shared Anna, 37. “Hearing about their adventurous sex life made⁢ me want to show⁤ him what I was capable of — ⁢I wanted to bring back that ⁣element ⁤of sexual excitement.”

“We did it anywhere, anytime… until ⁢one of his wife’s friends saw us and told his wife. Ironically, this‍ only made me want ⁤him more. I guess my competitive nature took over and I wanted to win — not necessarily him, ⁢but the competition. Have you ever watched elimiDATE? Do you really think the women are competing⁢ for ⁢the man?”

Regardless, John was ​clearly hooked on the sex that Anna offered him, given her readiness to satisfy him⁤ in any way he desired. But she soon realized that no matter how exceptional her ‍sexual prowess, she could never win ⁣this ‌competition.

“Despite everything,” she admits, “I⁤ still reminisce about the sex we ‍had. It still sends shivers ⁣down my spine when I think​ about it.”

The Appeal of Experience

Some women believe that married men have more sexual experience, as they are often ⁣older and have been intimate with the same woman for ⁢a long time, giving them a thorough understanding of⁤ the female body.

“I’ve been dating attached men ‌for about 10 ⁢years. They’re the only men I date. I ‌know it⁤ sounds awful but since I have no plans to marry,⁢ I’m not concerned about karma,” says Sylvia,​ a 39-year-old business owner.

“It started unintentionally. The man​ I was dating failed ⁣to‌ mention that he was⁢ married. I found out‌ four months later by accident when he forgot to remove his wedding ring one day. ‍I didn’t leave him, and‍ in fact, he treated me even‍ better after I found out.”

Is she the fantasy ⁣fulfiller?

When ⁣I asked if she loved that first married man, Sylvia said, “Love? Sure, ⁤for the moment. But he made me realize that I can never ‍fully‌ trust a man.​ So I prefer knowing that he has a wife at home, rather than worrying if he’s going to ⁣cheat. Plus,⁤ I can come and go as I please, and he has no⁣ right to‍ be⁣ jealous or possessive. The moment he​ tries to pull that, I leave.”

“As for the⁤ sex,” she continues, “it’s fantastic. ⁤These ​men are usually unsatisfied or bored with their partners, and I provide ‍that ​exciting, ego-boosting element⁤ they’re seeking. And because they’ve harbored so many sexual⁣ fantasies that ‍either their partners wouldn’t fulfill‍ or they wouldn’t want to ask of them out ⁤of respect or fear, I provide that ‘fantasy’ component‌ they crave so much. Why would I ‌ever give that up? After ​I climax, they leave. No commitments, no complications. I’m fine with that.”

Some might say that’s rather cold-hearted.

The Carnal Attraction

For some, however, sleeping with a ⁣married man loses its appeal once he ‌decides to leave his wife and start ‍a new life with ‌the mistress. ⁢”When I first met Matthew, ​there was an instant ⁢attraction, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” says Kim,‍ a 28-year-old real estate broker. “But we mistakenly thought we were in love and decided to make our relationship official, so he left his wife. Neither of us anticipated that the fantasy ⁣would fade the moment‌ the mundane ‌aspects of⁢ everyday life came into play,” she admits.

Suddenly, Matthew wasn’t as exciting to be around, ⁢and he stopped treating ⁣her like the center of his universe. “Sex with a married man should remain just that, sex. Once we started a relationship, I became jealous — after ​all, he cheated on his previous partner. So I couldn’t enjoy sleeping with him the way I used to. Unsurprisingly, he‌ ended up cheating ‌on me with a ⁢woman from his office.”

The Bottom Line

So, women label men as unfaithful and claim that all‍ men cheat, but it’s not as if these men are sleeping with other men (that’s a topic for another ⁢article). When a woman⁣ knowingly​ sleeps with a married man, even though I​ firmly believe it’s the married person’s duty to ⁤stay faithful, it makes women just as culpable as‍ their male ​counterparts. And let’s not even ⁤start on‌ the number of married women who are unfaithful.

Nonetheless, I​ can see why sex with attached men can be so appealing. But I believe ​that for every man who would cheat on his partner with a temptress, there is a man who is content with the woman he has committed to.⁤ My advice? If you’re craving an affair, meet your wife at a bar, pretend to ‍be strangers, go ‍to ‌a ​cheap motel, and indulge ‍in your fantasies while you ask for her name.

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