MeToo: I Felt an Unspoken Expectation for a One-Night-Stand on a Date by Lisa
There are moments that replay in my mind, sometimes incessantly, other times they lie dormant for months. One such memory that is etched in my mind is a particular morning. The images from that day flash before my eyes like a bolt of lightning slicing through the night sky. His hand on my throat, his breath, hot and foul, against my face. “I know you’re awake. Come on.”
I put myself in that situation. I bought him drinks, hoping he’d find me irresistible, I flirted, silently challenging him to take me home. You become the storyteller of your own horror story. What made you go back? Was it for a cup of coffee you never intended to drink? He let you sleep in his bed all night without touching you; you might as well. You’re both men. Get on with it. So you stop pretending to be asleep and give in. All the while, you convince yourself that you sent the wrong signals, that you owe him something. Not to mention, you’re unsure of what might happen if you refuse him again. No one else knows you’re here. Your confusion is so profound that you might even see him again.
The moment you step into a man’s house, or allow him to follow you into yours, a part of you wonders if this will be the end. Some of us might be estranged from our families – more vulnerable, more trusting perhaps. We’ve heard stories of straight men pretending to be gay, luring us into a trap or serial killers preying on unsuspecting hookups.
Gay men can easily disappoint each other. We expect better, we believe that gay men should look out for each other. So it’s devastating when a gay man turns out to be just like the others, those who oppressed us at school or at the dinner table – untrustworthy, dangerous, heartless, a predator. When the threat comes from within our own community, it’s a gut punch.
As a young gay man, you may not recognize inappropriate behavior or, if you do, feel comfortable confronting it. While being gay is about more than just sex, coming out is a declaration of your sexual preference – this is the kind of sex you want and now you’re free to explore. Men are not supposed to shy away from sex; our libido is supposed to be always ready. It’s thus not seen as very masculine to complain about unwanted attention; there’s no such thing. The image of a gay man as an aging predator is a stereotype used to scare children and dehumanize us, but there are men of all ages who eagerly await the newest “crop” of men to come out or see a flash of innocence in us that they desire for themselves.
While the setting and the fame of the individuals involved may have been foreign, when Anthony Rapp spoke out about the aggressive, drunken advances made on him as a teenager by Hollywood A-lister Kevin Spacey, we felt his pain. Many of us have heard that door close and lock behind us, felt the hand on the small of our back and heard the soft purr of the would-be seducer – their seemingly charming words flattering and confusing us. Not taking no for an answer, offering validation if we give in. Guys bullied for their sexuality in their younger days may be so unused to kind words, doubting their self-worth, they may believe it sincere rather than exploitative; maybe they’ve nobody to confide in about what makes them uncomfortable. It’s the silence that ensnares us.
I can’t recall how many weekends, as a young man newly out, I spent warding off more experienced gay men who found my ”newness” attractive. I wasn’t particularly handsome or even that young – I came out at 24 – but as anyone can tell you, it’s about power, not looks. Your innocence is irresistible, or a rare opportunity for them to feel superior, in control. I was too naive and too polite to stand up to them, so I’d hide behind pillars in nightclubs or throw myself at the mercy of men I hoped I could trust.