When a relationship concludes, particularly those of long duration, the instinctive reaction is to preserve the friendship. This is understandable, given that this individual has likely been a significant part of your life for an extended period. The urge to rely on them during challenging times, even if the relationship itself is the source of the hardship, is natural. While I personally find the idea of remaining friends with an ex somewhat self-punishing, I acknowledge that many people successfully manage this. Kudos to them. They aren’t wrong, and you might eventually join their ranks. There’s also a group of people who maintain cordial relations with their exes, if not outright friendship. In my opinion, this should be your aim. However, to reach a point where you can exchange pleasantries during an unexpected encounter or discuss the latest season of World of Dance, you must first cease all communication with your ex for six months.
Why six months? Simply because I believe it’s the right amount of time. Six months allows you to heal, take a breather, and reconstruct your life without them. Let me elaborate.
Firstly, while it’s crucial to respect your ex-partner, their family, their belongings, and even that peculiar “nightstand” they salvaged for you, you are under no obligation to remain their friend. Not immediately, and perhaps not ever. You can’t assist your ex in dealing with the emotional aftermath of your breakup, and they can’t help you either. It’s akin to using a knife to clean a knife wound. No matter how comforting it may feel to converse with this person who has previously provided solace and was, until recently, your “best friend”, relying on them for emotional support post-breakup will only prolong your fixation on the relationship’s demise.
Is severing contact incredibly painful? Absolutely! But remember, this person is an ex, not a friend. There’s no need to hastily reassign them a new role in your life. Being in their presence might seem therapeutic, but it’s not. A hair of the dog might alleviate your hangover, but it doesn’t equate to sobriety.
You might think you can limit your interactions? Reduce the frequency of your texts? Keep conversations to neutral topics like season 3 of The Crown or your potential interest in rollerblading? The answer is a resounding NO. While cutting back might work when you’re trying to consume less sugar, it’s ineffective when you’re both attempting to disentangle yourselves from your shared life. You’ll need to painstakingly (and likely painfully) rebuild your life in a new way to replace the time, support, and enjoyment your ex once provided.
While it may seem excessively harsh to propose a complete cessation of communication, it doesn’t have to be. You don’t need to say, “I’m breaking up with you; don’t contact me for six months. Silence. I’m collecting my belongings now. Not a word.” That would be heartless. Instead, after the actual breakup, the analysis and reanalysis of what went wrong, the division of possessions, and the retrieval of your clothing (hopefully), you can say, ”This might sound severe, but for the sake of a clean break, I think we should avoid communication for a while. I need some space to truly heal from this pain, and I believe that if we continue talking, we’ll keep getting entangled in each other’s lives.” Don’t mention the six-month timeframe unless they ask, desperately, “For how long?!!?” Revealing a premeditated timeline might come across as cold and calculated. If they persist, you can say, “Let’s start with six months and see how it goes.” Six months can seem like an eternity when you’re heartbroken—it is an eternity when you’re heartbroken—so anticipate resistance, especially if you’re the one ending the relationship. Stand your ground. You’re not being unreasonable or cruel. You’re establishing a boundary that will ultimately benefit both of you.
The Negative Impact of ‘Toxic Positivity’ on Relationships and How to Counteract It
There’s a common adage that you can have too much of a good thing, and optimism is no exception.
This overabundance of positivity is referred to as “toxic positivity,” and it can be incredibly frustrating when someone attempts to dismiss your feelings of sadness, disappointment, or pain.
At times, all you need is someone to acknowledge your struggle, rather than encouraging you to keep a stiff upper lip or reminding you of your blessings.
Moreover, research indicates that suppressing emotions can lead to increased psychological stress. Therefore, even if your intentions are good, it’s crucial to remember that dismissing someone’s feelings can cause real harm.
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So, what exactly is toxic positivity? How can you identify it and prevent it from damaging your relationship? We consulted licensed therapists to gain insights into this detrimental habit. Here’s what you need to know.
Understanding Toxic Positivity
Dr. Jamie Huysman, a trauma-certified psychologist and licensed clinical social worker at WellMed Medical Management, describes toxic positivity as: “the overuse and ineffective application of a happy, optimistic state across all situations.”
“This mindset rejects and denies any negative emotions, replacing them with a false positive front,” he elaborates.
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Huysman explains that toxic positivity can manifest in various relationships, including romantic partnerships, families, friendships, and even professional settings.
Examples of Toxic Positivity
According to Kristie Tse, a psychotherapist and the founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling, the following phrases exemplify toxic positivity when someone is going through a challenging time:
KC Hespeler, owner/psychotherapist at Shoreline Therapy, asserts that while positivity is generally beneficial for mental health, toxic positivity involves dismissing or invalidating the normal, healthy experience and expression of so-called ‘negative emotions’ which are crucial to feel and process.
Experiencing sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger is part of being human. Many of us struggle to “hold space” for these emotions, even for our loved ones. When we see our partner experiencing these emotions, we often feel compelled to “fix” them and improve their mood.
While responding with positivity may seem harmless, it can convey the message that it’s not acceptable for them to express their feelings. If your aim is to help them overcome their pain, then responding with toxic positivity can actually have the opposite effect, according to Jenny Flora Wells, an associate clinical social worker and holistic therapist.
“Attempting to think our way out of feeling can intensify the messages from the body and mind in the long run,” she notes.
The primary issue with toxic positivity is that it dismisses genuine emotions, says Tse. Wells adds that toxic positivity can even be perceived as gaslighting.
“It can make someone feel like their lived experience isn’t valid,” she tells AskMen. “And when we are invalidated, it can be difficult to connect in the future for fear of being shamed for how we feel.”
Tse highlights that dismissing your partner’s emotions may leave them feeling unheard, misunderstood, or worse, uncared for. In the future, they may be more likely to suppress their true feelings and maintain a facade of happiness. Alternatively, they may start to harbor resentment toward you due to feeling their emotions aren’t valued or respected.
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Many of us yearn for a deep connection with our partners, says Wells — which often stems from sharing our uncomfortable emotions and experiences.
“If we feel like we can’t share these things with our partner without being told to feel a certain way, it can hinder future opportunities of fostering that connection together,” she tells AskMen.
Strategies to Counteract Toxic Positivity
If you find that you tend to respond to your partner with toxic positivity, here are some expert suggestions for alternative approaches.
Firstly, Wells recommends examining why you feel compelled to resort to toxic positivity.
Is it because your parents never acknowledged your negative emotions while growing up, thereby implying that it’s not acceptable to feel these emotions? Is it because you lack emotional boundaries and tend to absorb your partner’s feelings, making it uncomfortable for you to empathize with their sadness or anger?
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Understanding what’s driving your toxic positivity can be beneficial as you strive to break this habit.
The next time your partner shares a personal struggle, Hespeler suggests asking them:
“What would be most helpful for you right now? Would you like me to suggest a solution or do you just need to vent?”
This approach prevents you from making assumptions about the type of support they need and reduces the risk of inadvertently dismissing or minimizing their feelings.
“Strive to provide validation and empathy,” advises Huysman.
Here are some examples of alternative, validating responses, according to Tse:
“It’s OK to feel sad about this — I’m here for you in whatever way you need,” instead of “Just stay positive.”
“That sounds really tough, would you like to talk more about it?” instead of “It could have been worse.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” instead of “You’ll be fine.”
Handling Toxic Positivity
If your partner is the one exhibiting toxic positivity, experts recommend openly communicating that their responses aren’t helpful.
“I always suggest the assertiveness script when communicating with our partner,” says Wells. “It helps us maintain a neutral stance and express how we feel rather than resorting to accusatory language.”
Here’s the script:
“I feel [insert emotion: overwhelmed, ignored, disrespected, sad, etc.] when you [example of toxic positivity]. What I need from you is [alternative response or behavior change].”
This gentle, non-accusatory approach is far less likely to put them on the defensive.
You could also acknowledge a time when they did meet your emotional needs rather than resorting to toxic positivity. For example:
“Hey, I really appreciated it when you patiently listened to me talk about how frustrated I am with my boss right now. Just so you know, that’s just what I needed. I would love it if you could try to keep doing that.”
This is known as positive reinforcement. Instead of pointing out the behavior you want to avoid (toxic positivity), you’re emphasizing the positive behavior you want to see more of. This approach has two advantages: It’s unlikely that your partner will feel attacked (meaning they won’t get defensive), and it can be highly motivating.
“You might say something like,
‘I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate your support, but sometimes, when I’m upset, I just need to feel heard and understood. It would mean a lot if you could just listen and acknowledge my feelings.’”
adds Huysman. “Ensuring the conversation is non-confrontational and focused on mutual understanding can help your partner understand the impact of their words and adjust their approach.”
The most crucial thing to remember?
“That no emotion is inherently bad or wrong,” says Hespeler. “They are all important and can teach us about ourselves and the world.”
As we gradually transition from the lockdown phase, adjusting to the new normal, it’s undeniable that things have evolved. We are not the same people we were before the pandemic, and it might take a while for us to fully adapt to the post-lockdown world. The concept of “normal” has become fluid, and our pre-pandemic identities might not align with the realities of our post-pandemic world.
The lockdown period has been a time of introspection for many, often unintentionally. When the world comes to a standstill and the liberties we once enjoyed vanish, we are compelled to reassess our lives. Questions about our role in the world, the need for change, and our priorities become more prominent. One of the first aspects to be scrutinized during such times is our relationships. A recent study by dating site eharmony, in collaboration with relationship support provider Relate, revealed that half of all couples realized during lockdown that they wanted to spend their lives with their partners. This is a significant achievement, considering the challenges of being confined with your partner, dealing with their work calls, and navigating domestic disputes. However, for some couples, the lockdown has been a catalyst for ending their relationship, with one in five couples planning to separate once the world reopens.
As these soon-to-be singles prepare to reenter the dating scene, many single individuals are eager to leave it. A fifth of men are keen to establish a post-lockdown relationship as soon as possible. The pandemic’s fear and uncertainty have hit single people the hardest, and social distancing measures have made it even more challenging to find a partner. The casual approach of “let’s see how it goes” is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain.
However, not all singles are desperate to find a partner. Almost a third of singles used the lockdown period to introspect and realized that they didn’t need a partner to feel complete. According to eharmony’s relationships expert Rachael Lloyd, many men deciding to stay single and not constantly seeking a partner can be beneficial for their mental health and the overall dating pool. “Before lockdown, we were in a casual dating world,” she says. “The advent of free dating apps from 2012 onwards led to a culture of turbo dating, where people felt pressured to be dating all the time.” However, the pandemic is likely to slow down this trend. “There’ll be a slower dating culture – less choice, less supply. It’s time to really think about the kind of person you’re best suited to,” she adds.
As individuals navigating through life, we often downplay significant issues while overthinking minor ones. The digital age has blurred the lines of emotional response, often leading us to compare our reactions to others. Questions like, “Am I overreacting?” or “Should I be more upset?” often plague our minds. The reality is, we are all just small entities in the grand scheme of life, and it’s okay to give ourselves a break. However, this can be challenging when we are constantly bombarded with news that seems to be straight out of a shocking history book.
Traditional media has always brought us face-to-face with distressing events, but the immediacy of digital broadcasting and social media commentary seems to amplify these events. This constant exposure can be emotionally draining, yet we find it hard to look away. From political scandals to war and social injustices, we are drawn to these stories. According to Shelley Treacher, a psychotherapist and member of the Counselling Directory, this fascination may stem from a primal instinct to stay alert to potential threats. By staying informed, we feel proactive. We often feel guilty for having personal reactions to global tragedies or for viewing events through our personal lens. However, it’s important to remember that these events do impact us.
Shelley Treacher explains, “Some of us are drawn to the pain because it mirrors our own. Doomscrolling can be a way to avoid confronting our personal suffering.” Our hidden traumas can be triggered by events that may not seem directly related. “Every trauma can trigger our own experiences or fears of difficulty, loss, trauma, abuse, or being overpowered. Recognizing and accepting your response is the first step towards healing.” It’s completely normal to relate global events to your personal feelings. After all, your life is a unique journey experienced by you alone. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being.
So, how can we manage this? Be mindful of your emotional state while consuming news. Notice if your heart rate increases or if your breathing quickens. Take a moment to calm your breathing. Ask yourself: why am I looking at this, and what do I hope to gain? This can help ground you in reality. If you choose to consume news, set a schedule and limit your exposure. Avoid starting or ending your day with news. “The key is to refocus on the details of your real life, rather than allowing the news to dominate your waking or resting moments,” advises Shelley Treacher.
Have you sensed the growing tension in the atmosphere? The increased impatience in queues, the aggressive behaviour of commuters, the impatient honking of drivers, and the abruptness of emails? It seems like the pandemic has triggered a wave of bad behaviour. From unruly passengers on flights to disrespectful notes on parked cars and ill-treatment of waiting staff, the signs are everywhere. Even as restrictions lift, the anticipated joy and camaraderie seem to be replaced by a general sense of irritation. So, what’s causing this widespread annoyance and how can we prevent it from affecting us?
During the pandemic, we quickly adapted to a life of rules and restrictions to curb the spread of the virus. This adaptation, while necessary, may have led to compassion fatigue and a heightened sense of self-preservation due to isolation. A report by the University of Arizona College of Medicine suggests that anger and aggression are common outcomes of thwarted individual goals, according to the frustration-aggression hypothesis. After being unable to live freely for two years, it seems we’re now trying to make up for lost time. This behaviour is often rooted in fear, leading to feelings of helplessness, annoyance over trivial matters, and outward hostility. The revelation of government officials flouting rules and partying has only added fuel to the fire.
The constant barrage of news, the inability to control ongoing catastrophes, and the blurring of real-life and online interactions have made us more cynical and impatient. Technology has made it easier to push boundaries, whether it’s cancelling meetings at the last minute or sending dismissive replies to well-thought-out emails. While we may feel absolved by informing someone of our inability to attend a meeting just ten minutes prior, it’s likely to leave the other person fuming.
Rudeness, it seems, is as contagious as the virus itself. If someone treats you poorly, you’re more likely to pass on the negativity. Each interaction we have is influenced by the behaviour of the person we interacted with previously, creating a vicious cycle of rudeness, aggression, and entitlement. So, how do we navigate this? The key is to remain calm, positive, and professional. Imagine someone you respect is observing you and act accordingly. If someone takes your parking space, let it go. Reacting negatively only provides temporary relief and can lead to regret or escalation. Responding politely to rudeness can defuse the situation and make the other person realise their behaviour is unjustified. Practise self-control and avoid retaliation. Accepting responsibility for your actions rather than blaming others is the quickest way to resolution. Stand up against bad behaviour, but aim to be a calming influence rather than adding to the drama. Engage in physical exercise, try journaling, or play a video game to release pent-up frustration.
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