The Significant Difference Between Dating Older and Younger Men: A Personal Experience by Lisa
In my late 20s, I had an intimate relationship with a man who was 16 years older than me.
David* and I moved in similar circles and kept crossing paths. His confidence, which I found attractive, was abundant, and he often wore suits – a weakness of mine at the time.
Although I wasn’t particularly concerned about his early 40s age, such a significant age difference was a new experience for me.
Before him, the oldest person I’d been with was an ex who was nine years older than me.
My time with David was enlightening.
Unlike my peers, he didn’t just want to sleep with me and then roll over to sleep. He saw exploring my body as a privilege and took the time to understand my body more than any lover my age ever had.
Since then, I have been with more people older than me, but I’ve also been with younger men.
With age gap relationships predicted to be the biggest dating trend in 2024, I’m on a mission to answer the question: do older or younger men make better lovers?
Out of respect, I’ll start with the older men.
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In my 20s, being with older men made me feel secure during a time when I was still discovering myself. Trying new things in bed can be intimidating when you’re inexperienced, and I found it easier to experiment with them, knowing I was in good hands.
They never made me feel foolish for my lack of experience.
On the contrary, like David, most were eager to demonstrate their skills, acting as my ’teacher’ in bed – and I was a willing learner.
However, these relationships weren’t without their challenges.
I was more conscious of the pressures of their lives, which sometimes intruded into our intimate moments.
Some of these lovers also had a preferred way of doing things. And sometimes it felt as if they had the upper hand due to the inherent power dynamic that comes with large age gaps.
Subconsciously, I viewed their opinions and methods as more significant than my own, given their greater life experience. It took me years to realize that I didn’t have to follow their lead.
This issue hasn’t been as prevalent with the younger men I’ve been with – the youngest being my current boyfriend, who is 28 (I am 34), but there have been others before him.
However, now that I’m the older one, I’ve been more concerned about ensuring they don’t fall for the power imbalance I once did as the younger party.
Ensuring my partner’s safety has always been paramount to me. I’ve always checked in with lovers to ensure they are comfortable with our situation and encouraged them to express their wants and desires.
Despite my efforts to communicate openly and satisfy my partners, younger men haven’t always reciprocated.
A former lover – who was five years younger than me – was exceptional in bed. He was always giving, which I appreciated. But outside of the bedroom, he lacked emotional depth.
This soon became draining and was the reason I eventually told him to leave.
If you want to turn me on, my mind needs as much stimulation as my body – a fact younger men don’t seem to fully appreciate, at least in my experience.
However, what they sometimes lack in maturity, they make up for in enthusiasm.
When I was 28, I had an unforgettable one-night stand with a 24-year-old man named Jonas*. He was one of the most enthusiastic sexual partners I’d ever had, and I also felt very comfortable around him.
Because of that, I felt able to be the more dominant character, take up more space, and tell him exactly what I wanted and needed.
Although I’m very vocal now, I wasn’t always this way. And statistically, women are less likely to speak up in bed. Fortunately for me, Jonas was not only happy to follow ‘orders’ but also wasn’t afraid to take the lead.
One thing I’ve noticed that both groups have in common is that they could become jealous or resentful when it became clear I had been with more people than they had. Sometimes they told me ‘you’ve been around’ directly, other times it was a twitch of the lip or a raised eyebrow.
Occasionally, their treatment of me worsened (which is usually when I ended things).
Thankfully, as we all know, no two people are alike. And as a result, there are pros and cons to being intimate with people older or younger than you.
I can only speak from my own experience, but my past has shown me that choosing a sexual partner is never straightforward.
Older people (including myself now) often have more baggage that can creep into the bedroom – from unresolved emotional issues and ex-partners, to job problems and general stress – but this can also be a positive because the more experience we have, the better we learn to communicate our needs and deal with life’s challenges, including in the bedroom.
While younger people may still be figuring out what they like in bed or how to please a partner, they are more aware of things such as the importance of pleasure and consent, which has been a major topic of sexual discourse in recent years.
It’s also worth noting that there are age gap limits.
Simply put, if you’re worried that someone might be too young or old for you, they probably are. You have a responsibility to consider the other person’s wellbeing, as well as your own.
So while this might be the latest dating trend, it should never just be about jumping into bed with the next attractive older man you see.
As for who is ultimately better in bed, well, sex is relative.
Regardless, every lover can teach us something valuable.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Contact us by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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