Why the Third Date Matters
Mastering the Third Date: Essential Guidelines to Follow
First dates come with their own set of rules to ensure success — sprucing up, punctuality, engaging your date in conversation, offering to foot the bill. If all goes well, you might get a goodnight kiss, a first-date hookup, or an invitation for a second date.
But what happens when you move beyond the first date? There’s undeniable chemistry, and both of you have expressed interest in seeing each other again, but the relationship status remains unclear.
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The second date often clears up any uncertainty, but sometimes, you might still be seeking answers as you approach the third date.
The third date is crucial. The rule of threes is deeply ingrained in human psychology; the concept of “three strikes and you’re out” applies to more than just baseball. Most people can tolerate two mediocre dates, but three? That’s pushing it. If you’re two dates in and still unsure about the relationship’s potential, the third date might be your last shot at making it work. Here’s what you need to know about third dates.
The Significance of the Third Date
1. Why the Third Date Stands Out
The first date might seem high stakes, but subsequent dates can be more stressful if you’re unsure about the other person’s feelings towards you.
“The third date is the gateway to a relationship,” says dating coach Connell Barrett. “The first date is about assessing chemistry and mutual attraction. The second date gives you a sense of how comfortable you are together. By the third date, you should be able to determine if you’re a good long-term fit. Think of the first few dates as a series of job interviews: by the third, you’ll know if you want the ‘job’ of being in this potential relationship.”
By the third date, you should have a clear understanding of the opportunity at hand, what you can contribute, potential future challenges, and aspects of the relationship that you find enjoyable, fulfilling, or exciting.
“Engaging in interesting conversation at a bar or restaurant is one thing,” says dating coach Laurel House, host of the “Man Whisperer” podcast. “But who are you (and they) really? The third and fourth dates are opportunities to delve deeper and truly get to know each other.
According to House, by the third date, you’re “no longer just testing the waters.” “You’re genuinely interested and ready to start building trust, opening your heart (a little), letting your guard down, and exploring other facets of your personality,” she adds. “You’re presenting a more authentic you — the fun, quirky, nerdy, spontaneous sides. You want to ensure mutual attraction, or else, why continue?”
2. Navigating the Third Date
Despite the high stakes associated with the third date, it’s important not to overthink it. After all, this person has shown interest in seeing you three times. They’re likely not just being polite.
“By the third date, you’ve had a chance to get to know each other and relax,” says Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of “Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Today.”
“If you’ve made it to the third date, something good is happening. You’ve learned a bit about your date’s interests, so focus on delighting them rather than impressing them.”
At this critical juncture, Tessina suggests opting for an “inexpensive, intimate dining spot, or even a food truck or picnic.”
“The message you want to send is not that you’re trying to buy your date’s affections with expensive gestures, but that you want to get to know them in a simple setting that encourages conversation and closeness,” she notes. “Intimacy (not sex) is the key.”
Barrett concurs with the minimalist approach to the third date.
“I advise my clients: To impress, do less,” he says. “I don’t mean not to try. Just don’t try too hard. Many guys feel the need to up their game on big dates — to plan elaborate activities or spend a lot at a fancy restaurant. This can backfire, as trying too hard can come across as needy.
Instead, he suggests using conversation as a means to impress.
“Don’t try harder. Go deeper,” he explains. “On the third date, try to connect over Big Life Stuff: careers, religion, wanting kids, politics, your core values. When two people find that their Big Life Stuff aligns, it’s easier to move toward being a couple.”
3. Addressing Physical or Sexual Intimacy on the Third Date
If the first two dates have been relatively tame, don’t assume that the third date will necessarily heat up.
“When it comes to physical intimacy, the escalation isn’t determined by the dates, it’s determined by how you are feeling,” says House. ”If you don’t have that initial hit of hard chemistry, you might not want to get physically intimate immediately, and that’s OK. As your attraction grows, you will want to get intimate. […] But at least you want to have a real kiss by date 3 so that you can see if there is that spark when you kiss.”
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Alternatively, if you do a little bit of kissing early on but then things cool down, that could be a sign that things aren’t going to work out between you.
“Many men get stuck on the same base for multiple dates,” says Barrett. “If you reached first base on date 1 and are still there two dates later, it can lead to the ‘friend zone.’ The other person doesn’t feel things are progressing, so they lose interest.”
Regardless, since sexual chemistry can be a significant factor in a relationship’s success, it’s not a bad idea to casually discuss sex with your date by the third time you see each other to understand their stance.
4. Dealing With a Third Date That Doesn’t Go Well
Not all third dates go well. If the first and/or second date were fantastic, the third date might not even feel like a date. Instead, spending time together might lose its formal quality where you need to impress each other.
On the flip side, the third date could be where things take a turn for the worse, and there’s the possibility that it just won’t work out. But how do you handle a third-date flop?
“If the third date is a bust but the first two went well, assume it was just an off night,” advises Barrett. “It happens. Go for date 4. Treat it like a mulligan.”
According to Barrett, a major red flag to watch out for “is when your first meet-up is great, but dates 2 and 3 are duds.” “This can mean that that first-date spark was just the thrill of meeting someone new, and it turns out you’re not compatible as a couple,” he adds.
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It’s also possible to turn a bad date into a good one by not letting an awkward or disappointing situation get to you. Instead, make it something the two of you can laugh about.
“Maybe you get rained on, the event was bad or called off, or the movie was terrible, but those things should be sources of shared laughter and good memories,” says Tessina. “If the conversation about a disappointing event is better than the event, you’re doing fine. Hopefully, you’re not fighting or insulting each other. There’s no excuse for bad behavior on the third date. Don’t let your expectations get the best of you. Relax, calm down, and be in the moment.”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you navigate the third date.
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